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Guilty

A personal account of my experiences over the past years involving sexual assault. Do not judge me for it is not fiction, although I wish it were. Listen, listen to something personal, intimate, and heartbreaking.
You all did this to me. You made me feel less than you, you made me feel depressed and unwanted, you blackmailed me into thinking that everything was normal, you used me, you pushed blame and guilt on me when nothing was ever my fault.

You, my ex, hurt me over and over and over again, I thought everything would turn out okay until I realized the damage and trauma afterwards. You also made me feel less of a person, I was already damaged and you knew that but you still hurt me and treated me like the two others before you. You never apologized, instead you kept doing the same thing over and over again until I broke down and needed a break; a break that still never fixed the problem. You used me and yet I still feel sorry, I still blame myself.

I was sexually assaulted twice in 4 years, my ex embarrassed me during sex, cheated on me, and after we broke up sent me a picture of him, naked, with another girl. Now, I can barely hug another guy without feeling intense anxiety, I can't kiss any guys without wanting to cry or worry that they won't listen when I say no, I feel anxious like I'm being suffocated anytime a guy gets on top of me even if they aren't going to do anything. I feel like I won't be able to have sex again without wanting to cry, without feeling suffocated or anxious or embarrass myself by saying no.

See the other night I had a date, I've had dates before but most of them didn't kiss me. I didn't think it was going to be a date, I thought we were friends, I had known him for a couple of months already. I mentioned to him a couple of hundred times about not wanting sex. We went to his place, we started watching Netflix, cuddling, and I should've known something was going to happen. So he kissed me and started making out with me; any girl I know would love that, might even lead to an amazing amount of sex. But, for me I immediately felt so anxious, I started thinking: "What if he doesn't stop?", "What if he doesn't listen?", "What if he blames me?". It was just a kiss though, he started kissing my neck and mentioning how irresistible I am. Then he stops and looks at me, "You look like you're about to cry." I don't cry in front of anyone, but he stopped and laid back down. He wouldn't touch me the rest of the night, we drove back in silence and he stopped talking to me altogether as if me feeling anxious about sex was one of the worst things on the planet. I feel guilty that I can't get over the fact that I was sexually assaulted, I feel terrible for all the guys who want me because I might never want them in that way, and worst of all I feel like it's my fault.

2014. I was a junior in high school and I had just gotten past my suicidal, self-harm, and depressed portion of my story. I met a guy through my best friend at the time, he was tall, handsome, athletic, he seemed nice on the outside. He took me on a date, I don't remember exactly about the first one but the ones that followed were all the same. We only dated about a month until he dumped me for reasons I don't feel comfortable mentioning.

Our second date, I believe, we ended up at his place, it was late and his family were sleeping on the third floor. He led me to the basement, he turned his TV on and started a movie. We sat on the couch for a while, talked. Then he stood up and wanted a blowjob, if you do not know what that is then type it in on either Google or Urban Dictionary as I'd rather not explain it here. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that, I had never given one before and wasn't sure what to do. He said he would walk me through it but that he also wanted me to swallow which I was extremely hesitant about as well. I told him no once more. He began to tell me that if I wouldn't do this he would kick me out of his house, break up with me, and never speak to me again as well as tell all his friends and the few friends I had about my past. His goal was to blackmail me into getting what he wanted. I was stupid too, he was only my second boyfriend and so I did it. I'll shorten this part of the past for you and tell you it was one of the worst things ever and I cried when I got home.

See it didn't stop there though, every date was like that. He would take me somewhere nice and then demand I give him oral sex. I told you, I was stupid and I hated it every single time. He rowed in crew in high school, though, so I thought I would be a good girlfriend and attend one of his meets. I drove an hour and a half away, walked around in the heat of the sun and watch the races even though I had no idea why I had come. But, eventually I found him with his team and he was embarrassed that I was there. One of this friends at the end of the day had told me that this boyfriend did not want me to come, that I had humiliated him. Just for attending his athletic event. I guess he didn't want anyone to know we were dating or maybe I was just too God awful ugly. Either way, it hurt me to say the least.

So we broke up or at least he dumped me. But instead of just leaving me alone he kept texting me, messages which I still have to this day. He wanted to have sex with me, he began to blackmail me about my past again, saying that if I had sex with him he wouldn't tell anyone. Then he made a list of about 25 different sexual things he wanted from me, if I didn't agree to any of that, he would tell everyone my secrets. I never gave him a bold yes and if he had been a decent guy, my body language would've told him I didn't want any of it. But, either way he told me to meet me at a park near our house, he told me not to wear a bra or panties underneath my clothes so it would be easier for him. But, instead I kept them on and drove over. I don't quite remember the whole thing except that when he was about to undress I ran. He yelled for me over and over again so I ran faster. It had started to storm so when I arrived at my car I was soaked and crying. I drove away from the park, only to find a spot where I could cry before going home and keeping what happened a secret from my parents.

I blocked his number after that, apparently he ended up telling his friends some things about me that weren't true. He's in college now in VA, he messaged me back in the middle of March, 2017, asking if I'm back. It brought back a lot of emotions, he still only lives about 5 min from me and I can't begin to tell you how it scares me.

He was the first, he threatened me, blackmailed me, and did things to me without my consent because I only really did it so he wouldn't tell everyone my secrets. I hated it, that young man was the first to ruin my sex life.

I traveled to Australia last year as an Au Pair, I was in Perth. I loved it, best experience ever! Except the first month. I met a guy, he had a dog and seemed pretty nice. But, when I started talking to him, I had developed a pit in my stomach, a pit that never went away. I wish I had listened to that gut feeling because what happened next scared me for the second time.

First month in Perth, we met on a beach near my host family's house. He wasn't as cute as I had imagined but his dog was pretty fantastic. We talked for a while, shared stories, he took me on a drive around Fremantle to show me around then preceded to drop me off at my host family's house. He seemed like a gentleman. But not everything is at it seems.

He had planned our second date, we were supposed to go out to dinner at this restaurant on the water. But when we got there, it was extremely busy and I felt very underdressed so instead we went to this inexpensive restaurant. We ordered waffles with ice cream (it's a thing over there and very good!). We talked some more, took pictures and headed out. We stopped at McDonalds, he ordered a big mac and I took a small box of nuggets. Instead of eating on the beach, he took me to his place. His family was asleep already so we walked in, his bedroom was pretty decent sized, his own bathroom and a giant flat screen TV. He warned me not to get crumbs on his bed or he would be furious. Did you catch that? Yes, that was signal number one of his mood change.

He switched on "The Simpsons", I had gotten the Wi-Fi password from him so I could text my one other friend I had made in Australia. He turned off the lights. He got on top of me, kissing me roughly, kissing my neck and leaving hickey's, he roughly took off my shirt and took off his. He kept kissing me, he tried taking off my jeans but I pushed his hands away, he tried again and I pushed his hands away. He tried taking off my bra and I said "no", he started grinding on me and I began to feel very uncomfortable. Did you catch the second sign? He didn't listen. He tried for a third time to take off my jeans and again, I said "no". He sat up and looked at me, I was trying to cover my bra. He looked sad, I had asked him what was wrong and he said he liked me and that he just wanted to show me that. I told him that I didn't want to have sex. So he stood up, I told him I was okay with a relationship or even just friends. He yelled that he didn't want friends, that he has enough of those, he didn't want a relationship either. He told me to pack my things. It was already midnight, my host parents wouldn't be awake to let me in and I didn't have a key. So instead, he got in bed. I began to text my friend through the Wi-Fi, the guy ended up turning it off, my phone was on his nightstand so I couldn't call my other friend for help. I slept next to the guys bed, on the cold floor until I was shivering and crawled into bed at 4 am but slept on the very edge of the bed. He spooned me, and dragged me to his side. By morning he had thrown me to the other side of the bed and looked at me with disgust. He threw my clothes at me, drove me home and that was it. The entire rest of the day he texted me and blamed me for him being sad, he blamed me for not wanting sex. That night was the first night in the two years I had been clean for that I cut myself 15 times.

The Australian was more violent and aggressive than the first guy, neither of those men did I ever give my consent to. Then came my ex who I also met in Australia and dated for 8 months. It was a good relationship until we started having sex. That was when he started playing this "game" with me: "What 5 things do you hate about me?" then "Here are the 5 things I hate about you." I never told him I hated anything about him but here he was with his list: I wish your boobs were bigger why don't you try plastic surgery, I wish you could go to a professional to get your entire body waxed (that was recurring every day), your nose is too big, your vagina looks a lot different to most girls I wonder if there's a way to fix that, you need to work out, you're too skinny, you should get braces again, you should dye your hair blonde, you should paint your nails, you should try blue contacts. Now with any other guy, I wouldn't have cared about any of that, but this was with my significant other, a guy I had tried to trust and loved. Next came the laughing and pointing at me during sex, whenever we would try a new position he would laugh at me, I couldn't even look at him, my pleasure was funny to him. It made me completely self-conscious again, what was I doing wrong? He cheated on me and we broke up with me hanging up on his mom because I didn't want to be yelled at for caring about his choices.

So now I am very self-conscious when anyone takes an interest in me, I never think I'm good enough, I'm used to fuck boys and trying to defend myself, I'm used to always being hurt by people I care about, I'm used to feeling anxious when I'm with a guy I don't trust, I'm new to the suffocating feeling of not wanting sex and feeling anxious when sex is put in front of me.

I have not cut myself for a year and four months, so that is something to be proud of, but I have thought about it. I'm not going to lie when I say that I thought about ending my life when the Australian sexually assaulted me. The world is a scary place and we need to learn to defend ourselves.

I stand today as a sexual assault survivor.
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Last Updated: 5/12/2017
Bouquets and Brickbats
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