I'm the girl... who missed out on everything.
I missed the day when my sister got married to a guy she met in a coffee shop. She was wearing a long white gown that every girl has dreamed of wearing. She looked the most untouchable girl while walking the aisle. That the only man who could reach and touch her was the man at the end of the aisle. The man at the end of the aisle was yearning to own all of her. I asked her before about what kind of wedding would she like to have someday, she said "I want it to be the traditional white wedding. White couldn't be clearer than anything. I want my wedding to be clearer than my any other memory." I admired her passion with being passionate with another person. At the end of the ritual, they shared the most passionate look, kiss, and memory. It couldn't be any clearer that both of them were passionate with each other.
I missed the day when my mother and father had their first grandson. They were both jumping in joy as they heard the news from my sister. They both ran like wild teens inside the hospital. They both argued to whom will carry their first grandson. My mother always liked being the winner of most of the arguments with my father. She held him like he would crumble to pieces if she made any drastic move. He was fragile as any thin glasses out there. He was as fragile as the cup I accidentally broke when I was 6 and bled to my own foot. My mother and father shared the look of euphoria. My father looked at them, both like a wave of nostalgia hit him. He was maybe thinking of the day when his kids were born. When I was born.
I missed the day when my brother won his 1st place as a car racer. He looked very anxious before the race started. He was breathing hard. He even had a dreadful thought of letting go of the passion he has for. He said to himself that if he wouldn't win first place this time, he would really stop. I couldn't stand that my brother was willing to let this go. I consider myself as his #1 fan. I stood there with him in all the races he's been through. When I was 9, I entered my brother's room and first saw his huge collection of miniature car toys. I stole the mini Mercedes Benz. Days later, he figured out it was missing and I admitted to him that I stole it from his room. I expected him to laugh but he said that I could keep it and that one day, he will get me a real Mercedes Benz. The day praised him by finally giving his dream of being a first placer. I was smiling at him. He was smiling back at me. He showed me his golden trophy and whispered him, "Dreams always liked being chased, but somehow they stop being chased so that they could finally live with you."
I missed the day when Andy, my guy best friend, proposed to my teacher, Consuelo. I've always seen the bitter side of Andy when it comes to love. He has a broken family but his friends like me never failed to show him how much we care for him. I always said that he was too sweet to be like his father. His daddy issues never made him less of a man. He would always say to me that the world would be fairer with a fairer love. He just didn't like being tangled in a relationship not until he met Consuelo. He was the not so active kind of student. He was like me. But when we took classes in which Consuelo was the teacher, you would easily consider him as one of the most active students. She talked to him intelligently. Consuelo thought he was the smartest student she encountered. One day, Andy couldn't help it. He was stealing glances from Consuelo. He was writing down all the good things about her while we were watching her teach. Consuelo seemed distracted by the glances he keeps giving her. Andy gave him the cliche love letter he wrote while she was teaching. Who would've thought that a girl like Consuelo would erase all Andy's bitterness. Consuelo laughed at his love letter but she was giddy. I saw them share a kiss inside the room where no one was looking. Andy proposed to Consuelo inside the classroom. He was not her student anymore by that time. He was 23. She was 28.
Students were taking their exam that time. Consuelo said "Pass the test papers" but instead of receiving test papers she received papers from her students forming the question "Will you marry me?" Andy entered the classroom and carried the books she was thinking of buying in the future. Andy thought of how much she loved books rather than getting chocolates, shoes, clothes and flowers. She was blushing and lost for words. She grabbed a pen then wrote "YES" on the whiteboard. She hugged him and he hugged her back. Some people just know that they are for each other and that they are one of those people.
I missed the day when Kaycee completed her journey in finding herself. I was with Kaycee most of the time. She shared me most of her loneliness and most of her happiness to when her boyfriend made her feel like the luckiest girl. She didn't know what to do when her boyfriend used her to steal money from her and her family. She was the richest of my friends. She was having fun when we were teens. Having an innocence and trusting someone with it only to break it by violence. She only had her mom beside her. Her dad treated her like she was not his child. She loved her parents. A good, nice girl. She was lost because of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was accused of robbery when he shot her mom to death while stealing all the money and jewelry he had found. Kaycee was crying to me. She was helpless, scared, and became insane. She started doing drugs and got addicted to it only to be taken to rehab by her dad. She blamed herself in everything that happened to her and to her family. I was there to prove her wrong. She did tried to kill herself once. She was too strong to be taken away. She did okay in the rehab. She flew away. Went to places she's never been. I didn't see her come back. But when she did, she was a changed person. I've seen the most peaceful Kaycee. She whispered to me "You're the 2nd most precious person to me next to my mom... I hope you're both happy in a place where I can't see and that my love for the both of you are always there, reaching you in the place they liked to call heaven."
I missed the day where I could say "I love you" to the guy I would love for a lifetime. I missed the day where I could have children and name them after my parents' names. I missed the day I could get a degree and do a career I'd be happy to deal with. I missed the day I could taste and smell my mother's homemade foods. I missed the day when me and my friends would go to bars or fancy restaurants or a small coffee shop to do catch ups. I missed the day where I'd pick out my own outfit as a woman and professionally do my job. I missed the day where I could continue to care, love, hope and forgive.
They didn't know if I decided to suicide or not. I did choose to suicide but too late to realize that I couldn't handle it. That time, I was this innocent girl. Too innocent to try wild things. I had my share of interest with some people. There was Tyronne. The guy who loved me. I didn't know if he was serious or not. I was confused with myself. Confused with everything that is happening. I was failing in school because there was too much Tyronne in my head. I didn't believe it because other girls like him. He didn't like girls being around him. He never wanted them. But some girls could cause you pain. These girls caused me pain. I was bullied by them and no one knew. I fought back to them but it was all a waste. These girls were also powerful. They've come to the point where they would scare me by making other guys touch me. I would always run. I was going to ask for help but these girls happened to disappear. I wasn't raped but I was harassed by two or three guys. It wasn't a clear memory. I didn't want it to be clear. I was closing my eyes hoping I'd just disappear. My mistake was... I avoided Tyronne. He made these girls stop. He figured out I was bullied. I didn't want everyone to know I was weak and that could be a reason for them to bully me more. He just saw how these girls bullied me.
It was a cliche to call him my night and shining armor. But he was my hero. We could've been a happy ending but I chose not to. After knowing I was bullied, I told him to stay away from me because they might come back for me. I saw real tears from his eyes. I knew it was real. I was hurting too much. He said "I love you but if this would make you safer then I'll try my best to just forget about what we have". I couldn't forget his back turned against my teary eyes. I felt even more depressed in each passing day. I went to the boat in the lake where our house was near. I jumped from the boat. My body felt all the weight of loneliness. I felt ending this depression by drowning myself. I thought it would really wash all the pain away and wake up to just feel happiness. I closed my eyes as I sank deeper and deeper. Then I was wide awake. I had the urge to tell Tyronne that I love him too. I was just too young to know what infatuation is from love. I know that he loved me dearly. And I know that I felt the same way too. I tried opening my eyes. Swimming back up. My feet was stuck somewhere in one of these rocks. The world I was looking at was black. I realized this would be the end of it. I cried in horror. But I did it to myself. I was out of air. Breathless and helpless. There was no Tyronne that came to save me from drowning. Only the world I would miss from now on.
I've witnessed all their cries. My brother missed me so much that he left the trophy he won as a first placer. Kaycee came back after three years of finding herself. No one knew where she was. She came back only to know I died after she just disappeared for a year and she was disheartened. She was able to come back to her senses like my whole family. She talked to me in my grave like I was still alive. All about her journey. She did amazing. My father and mother leaves a food when visiting my grave sometimes. My sister brought his son and her husband to give me the most vivid lilac flowers. Andy visited my grave to give his and Consuelo's wedding invitation. He was smiling like I was still alive. He told me how he misses me so much and would say that he'll never find a best friend like me. Tyronne... he didn't even attend my funeral. I watched him cry his heart out. He wished he could have done something for me. He wished he could have done something more. He didn't completely forget me. We were both 18 when I last saw him. He first had the courage to visit me when he was 22. He said he still loves and that would never change. He even said that may be in another world we are for each other. That was the first and last time he came to see me.
Now, I'm like a CCTV from a land who can only watch alive people from what they're up to. I can only watch and hear them. Not touch and feel them. I can only say things to them as if I'm alive. As if I'm still a part of their lives. My soul will not vanish not as long as someone doesn't forget I existed. I know I would completely be forgotten and vanish someday but I am happy to know that I existed once and felt cared and loved by some people.
I chose to regret my life... my one precious life. I wish I couldn't have missed out on the things that happened to them but I am just a girl. A girl who missed out on everything and will never be there again with the ones I love. I would cherish every single part of my life if there would be another chance to live.