Passing into adulthood.
I look at everything I accomplished and I think... is this it,
Should I now be happy?
I have done what so much others couldn't,
Made so many people proud.
Yet there it is, nor there it is not,
The feeling I am told I should have... Happiness.
There are moments when I think I might finally have it,
Not simply feel it, but it disappears like a whisper in the wind.
This hollowness it aches, it hurts, but when it is gone I am scared,
But it takes all sense of me with it.

To be so alone inside your head all the time,
Trying to find the little voice inside,
It makes you feel alone in crowded rooms,
Because how can they understand.
"The golden child" drowning in her doom,
Yearning to not be looked up to.
LOOK AT ME, I want to scream,
But then I tell them that I am fine.
I can't bare if they got a glimpse of the emptiness inside.
It's tiredness that sinks into your bones and eats up inside.
It's tiredness that keeps you up at night,
One that some days makes me just want to give up this fight.
It's like trying to shake your soul awake,
Not wanting to die, but knowing you can't live if it continues on the same.

Life has become so mundane, all childhood is lost.
Everything that once could have, made me happy seems to be lost.
Running through the trees has become running errands.
Looking forward to birthdays, now turns to dread.
Money once felt like a gift, now it is a curse.
To get a head, you must give up your everything first.
The news becomes no longer shocking,
And I find it kind of sad,
That CCTV footage of a war and deaths I find less horrible,
Since it is not as graphics as the movies I now have.

Loved ones let you down but you get used to it,
You will end up shutting them out,
Promises will be broken, to only be broken again,
The word will turn into a taboo at the end.
New relationships will enter and they will change your life,
And soon you will recognize you gave them too much of your time.
Giving up your independence for them to have their own,
Then watch as they turn and leave you to face the world alone,
Too busy to notice, too busy to care.
Then act surprised when you break down.
It's not all bad, of course there is good.
But here again, I sit lost and alone in my own lonely world.
Published: 11/17/2018
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