A Butts Country Ballad

A country song about the rise and fall of a redneck in love.
Derrick plays rhythm at the Big Butts cafe
Out past the dump, on Butts County Road A
They pay him in whiskey and what falls off the grill
If he can drink till he drops, he probably will.

One slow Tuesday night, he retired to his truck,
Tried to climb into bed but the tailgate was up.
So he fell fast asleep behind the back tires
To the stale smell of whiskey and a rank Butts dump fire.

Derrick awoke in a haze under stars shining bright
Looked up and was dumbstruck by a beautiful sight
Two perfect chrome girls floated naked above
And there on the asphalt a drunk fell in love.

My sweet silver angels, I adore from below
The moon in the sky makes your chrome tushies glow.
It makes my heart leap like a pup chasing flies
To see smooth shiny cheeks and a face with no eyes.
Mud flap girls from Mud flap World
You give my truck class
I’ll show you the town
When I get me some gas.

The very next day, Derrick wrote down his song
Played it that night and it didn’t take long,
Till that tune was a hit and Derrick a star
And they took him away, in a limousine car.

They took him to Branson and put him on stage
With a couple of old stars from the Pleistocene age
Added two back-up singers to round out the show
Wearin’ chrome spandex suits from their heads to their toes.

Derrick lived in a mansion with an emerald green lawn,
Soft as a feather bed, where he laid all day long.
He rolled with the chrome girls when he got in a funk
And then fall dead asleep - spent, happy, and drunk.

My sweet silver angels, I adore both of you
Some say it is wrong for a man to love two.
To be doubly blessed just raises their ire
But they always forget that I’ve got two back tires.
Mud flap girls from Mud flap World
You give my act class
I’d show you the town
If I could get off my grass.

Derrick woke once again, a tinkling sound in his ear
From a drunk Big Butts patron returning his beer
As he cursed and rolled over to escape from the stream
He knew right damn well, it had all been a dream.

These days he sits in a chair, strumming his song
Behind the old truck, wondering where he went wrong.
He takes the same spot and for reasons unclear
Stares wistfully at the driver’s side rear.

My sweet silver angel, it’s you I adore.
One girl’s enough, what fool would want more?
Now I’ve got just one mud flap, and people say "What?"
But I think we both know that your twin was a slut.
Mud flap girl from Mud flap World
The fairest by far
I've got you on my side,
The right side's got tar.
Published: 2/16/2011
Bouquets and Brickbats