A Diary Entry of Four Years' Love

A self-reflection of a girl's one-sided feelings.
I loved him... From the very depths of my soul, I loved the boy.

It all started four years ago, in High School. He was a year older than me, and yet they were placed in the same class. It was part of the school's new curriculum; they named it 'Leadership Class,' and consisted of twenty three senior high school students carefully chosen by faculty to represent the school by learning the acts of becoming 'leaders' - and just like Student Council we created student-oriented events, we went on trips and were even visited regularly by local celebrities, including the mayor himself, who felt the need to share some stories that were meant to inspire them in some way.

Quite honestly, it was really just a leisure class that allowed me to get more credits for being one of those favored by the higher-ups. Even so, I liked it. Funny enough, I had no idea of his existence after being in the same school for two years. But the first time I met him, I quickly liked him.

His name was Edward. Yes, I know.

'Edward,' like the sparkly vampire from the book. And yes, it was the first thing that attracted my attention when I went to take a look at the attendance sheet. But surely enough... Have you ever experienced something called 'love at first sight'?

One day, I was on the bus heading to school. It was the day the principal decided to gather the leadership class members to head off on an out-of-town, three day trip that would supposedly allow us to reconnect with each other before the class would even start. There I was, minding my own business, when I noticed a boy who entered the bus. He had on him a huge backpack on his back, as if he was going somewhere. He wasn't particularly all that tall, and his looks were average, but something about him was special. So special I couldn't take my eyes off him. "What the hell," I thought to myself.

What's wrong with me?

Funny how the world works, because as soon as I got off the bus, so did he. And it was when attendance was being taken that I realized that the boy named 'Edward,' and the boy I saw on the bus was the same person.

He... is Edward.

On that three day trip, I got to know some people, including the ones I've already known beforehand. I was assigned in the same group as Edward, and we worked together to accomplish a few team-building exercises. It was fun, it really was. And although we were not able to talk so much, I completely fell for the boy. His smile, his laugh, the dimple on his lower cheek, his love for hockey, his jokes and his carefree attitude - I loved them all.

It had been two years now.

Before school ended, I moved to a small town to finish my senior year. I could still remember the last time I saw him. He embraced me, saying

"This may be the last time I'll see you again." As I heard those words, I died a little.

For two years that I've known him, and the next two years afterwards - I couldn't move on. I know the time I've spent with him wasn't all that much, but I still think about those moments every time; so much so that I can't consider liking someone else. I want to move on, I really want to... but this unrequited feelings of mine wouldn't disappear. I'm hopeless, but I believe that he's the one that got away - the boy that I will keep thinking of but will never see again.

But what if I had another chance? If one day he shows up in the restaurant I currently work part-time for? What if he tells me he that he had some business here and has three days before he flies out? What will I do?

This may seem selfish, but I have a plan.

I want to be with him. For three days, I will be in close contact with him. I'll show him all the good places in this small town I now call my home, and I will do my best to know him better. I'll take him to my favorite restaurants and take him to the famous hockey arena that I know, he'll love. And on the third day- I'll kiss him.

It won't be long, nor will it be complicated. A simple touch on the lips, and as soft as possible. Then, I will walk away. I will say goodbye... To my feelings that wouldn't budge, to these longing emotions with no real basis, and to him. - I will say Goodbye.

My unrequited feelings - my unrequited, one-sided feelings, I say Goodbye.

Of course, this isn't like in the movies. No matter, how far we are, or how near, the chances of this event happening is close to zero. So as you may have guessed by now, this piece itself, is my closure.

I fell for Edward when I was fifteen, and this year I turn nineteen. I believe I owe it to myself to move on. It's sad, stupid, and completely pitiful - but that's life. You just can't control your feelings. You just feel.

Even now I still have tears running down my cheek when I think of him sometimes, but it can't be helped. Life, as we know, is unexpected. The people we meet, the feelings we share - they can never be logical. But sometimes, we need to push ourselves. To move forward and be much better. After all, who knows what the future holds, right?

I guess this concludes my first and final entry to my diary of my quiet, one-sided, four year love. To move on, and to be better.

Cheers to that.

And if by any chance, you are reading this, I want to say one thing.

Thank you.
Published: 4/29/2014
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