Have you ever experienced so much hate from someone that you just feel like you are completely along in the world? Have you ever made someone feel so hated that they wanted to end their life? Have you ever looked that person in the eye and felt, and seen all their hardships? Have you ever apologized for your actions in front of a group of people? Or have you ever sat outside and realized how much you can hurt the world by just a few words?
I was sitting outside on the swing that I realized how much life can change your perspective on people. If life treats you poorly, you stand up, look it straight in the eye and say, "I don’t care". Life can only treat you on how you treat it, if you hurt someone, life will hurt you back. Karma.
I walked back inside and sat on my bed, acknowledging the room around me. I began to remember where all the creaks and cracks were on the hardwood floor and think about what my new roommate will think. Is she nice? Tall? Short? Blue eyes? Green eyes? Brown eyes? Mixed-colored eyes? Extremely anorexic? Pale? Brown hair? Black hair? Blonde hair? Glasses? Contacts? Big feet? Small feet? Straight teeth? White teeth? Does she wear stylish and newly fashioned clothes? Or sweatpants and sweatshirts that hang off her as if she was a ghost? But behind all these questions will be an answer within the next couple of hours, either good or bad, she is still my roommate and someone I will have to learn to deal with.
After staring at the wall and thinking into the deep world thoughts of my mind, I looked up and saw a girl standing in the doorway. She had long, brown hair with pieces of blonde tips showing at the bottom, her lips were held in a straight line, her ocean, blue eyes kept me at ease. She was tall, but with small feet and long arms. She currently wore a hospital gown, blue puma socks, and a light jacket, swept over her shoulders like a cloth. She was known to me as a ghost for the first few weeks but gained weight soon after. But, for now she is known as Michelle, my new roommate.
She looked at me as if I were the devil trying to steal her life away from her, her eyebrows were darted down, angrily. I tried not to laugh at her strange features of an expression but couldn’t. She looked straight at me and walked away, stomping down the hallway. I could even hear the small whispers of conversations with Mrs. Sarah who didn’t seem at all intrigued by her anger.
"Can you please remove her from my room?!" I heard Michelle whisper, yell.
"Michelle. Listen. Kasey is your new roommate, she was here before you and because I do not have enough space for a new room for you, she will be staying. Please treat her with respect as she will do to you. I’m sorry you are unhappy here but in order to gain respect and health, you will need to be on your best behavior. Now please go back to your room and settle in, maybe start a conversation." I hear Mrs. Sarah say, her voice stern and in control before the footsteps of Michelle retreated back to my room.
"Hey," Michelle said as soon as her feet reached the beginning of our room. Her eyes peering around each corner of the room then landing on my petrified face.
"Hi..." I responded eagerly yet terrified of her powerful eyes.
"Why are you so quiet?" She asked me, her voice quivering.
"I’m not usually, it’s just today..." I said, moving my notebook to the nightstand so my legs could stretch comfortably across my bed.
"Oh, yeah I guess I could say the same but considering today’s circumstances, yeah." Michelle said, taking a seat on her bed and sprawling her legs out on her bed.
"Yeah, I heard. So uhm, no offense but what’s your story behind anorexia?" I asked almost in a whisper, scared to see her reaction.
"Oh haha, no offense taken, I’m really happy to tell people about it because society are the people that caused it. So it all started in 5th grade when I used to made fun of my weight, and yes as a child I was overweight but America is obese in general so... yeah. Anyway, the bullying continued for a good three more years until I just got sick of it. I cut myself enough that once I ended up in the hospital because the blood was too much to bear. After my trip to the hospital, I was back at school and the bullying continued. The next week I stopped eating, and slowly began to lose enormous amount of weight. But, even losing weight didn’t cause the bullies to quit their hatred towards my weight and I. They would send me emails, texts, Facebook messages, taunt me in the halls, throw notes at me during class, slap my back and whisper words in my ear. I just got sick of it, and my parents were too busy with their work to notice their kid’s loss of weight so I continued. But, after a couple of months my parents took notice and asked me numerous questions which I never answered, I was sent to the hospital, for physical therapy, put on a gaining weight diet, fed through a tube into my stomach and many other techniques to help me gain my weight back.
Yet despite their tries, I would vomit the food back up (known as bulimia), and continue with my success towards anorexic death. I was then sent to this clinic the first time around, and it was a success, I gained all the weight I lost back and made my parents happy for the first time in a year. They watched me eat food that I enjoyed and watched me grow up into a safer environment. Then came the time I had to leave the clinic and go back home, back to school, and more importantly, back to where hell started. I went home, went back to school, got bullied worse and worse, committed suicide (failed) four times, therapy, counseling, hospital, and the cycle continued. Now after three years, I am back here to regain my life once again, gain more weight, gain more trust, friends, and most importantly belief that life can be a good thing." Michelle finally finished, tears pouring out of her eyes and looked over at me. Her blue eyes had retreated to an innocent look, and her expression showed true pain, something I could’ve seen the first day I saw her in the backyard.
"I’m so sorry to hear that." I responded, looking down at my hands that were unexpectedly shaking.
"It’s fine, it’s the past. The past is the past, it’s something you have to learn to live with, it’s something that can’t change, it’s whatever." Michelle said, speaking softly and slowly, laying her head back on the pillow. "Now if you don’t mind, I’m just gonna go to sleep for a little while before I gain enough energy to start a debate about not eating supper." She said before closing her eyes and beginning her dreams.
I just stared at Michelle, 18 years old, and has gone through stuff since she was in 5th grade. Her story is something no one should have to experience or think about experiencing. Bullying does hurt and sometimes the only way to stop it is through cutting, suicide, anorexia, bulimia, and silence.
You know some days I wish people would finally realize that words cut through us like no tomorrow. Words feel like little knives tearing us into tiny pieces before it finally reaches our heart. Then once we feel it in our heart, we take actions that may cost us our life so that someone out there will be happy. But, you see the thing is, if we kill ourselves because of something someone said, it will hurt our parents and families lives forever. They will wake up in the morning sobbing because they didn’t notice the signs or because they thought it was something they did. Our siblings will go through each day, passing our empty room and thinking about the memories we shared. Our friends will cry themselves to sleep at night, wondering if they should have said or done something. Suicide hurts. It hurts the victim, the family, the witnesses, and most importantly itself. I hope one day, people will realize that words do hurt and we, as the people, can start to change the way we view and judge other people. I also wish the word ‘perfection’ didn’t exist because in our image of beauty it doesn’t so why does the word exist?
I jumped out of my bed and walked out of the room, leaving Michelle to her slumber. I crept down the halls and up to Mrs. Sarah’s office door, quietly knocking on the frame.
"Come in!" Mrs. Sarah yelled as I opened the door and shut it behind me. "Why hello there Kasey, what a nice surprise! Have you and Michelle spoken yet?" She asked me, as I sat down and grabbed a couple pieces of candy from her jar on her desk.
"Hi, uhm yeah we have but that’s sort of why I came in here... I wanted to talk to you about... well our conversation, that is between Michelle and I." I said, staring at the candy in my hand.
"Ok, well what did you two talk about and I’ll see if I can help you understand things." Mrs. Sarah responded, placing her pen on the desk and the papers she was working on in a folder then into a drawer. Her full attention was then on me.
"I talked to her about her story and she told me she was bullied and everything, but why didn’t her parents do anything? And why is she back here for a second time if the first time didn’t work?" I asked, placing the mint in my mouth.
"Ohh, well good to hear you guys started a conversation... not the best thing to bring up on her first day but it’ll do. Ok, so Kasey you have to understand one thing, parents don’t always notice the signs before it is too late. You have to realize that, and even your parents didn’t take notice until you were on the verge of death with anorexia. Now her parents also worked with the government, so I mean they didn’t have the full parenting time as most parents do when they work part-time. So Michelle had more time on her hands, alone, and with numerous thoughts about the words the children were saying to her. She was able to look on the Internet for help on how to deal with bullying, and she was also able to view articles about teens who have committed suicide. So therefore she was able to think about ways to ‘help’ her through her tough patch.
As for the second part, the first time she came to us she was able to play us like a card trick. We didn’t know her all that well, we knew small parts of what happened at home during her times of devastation, but she never spoke to us about what was going on. Even though we took numerous accounts to help her, Michelle wouldn’t listen. We continued, trying and trying, and we succeeded for a while, meaning she gained weight, so we allowed Michelle to leave the clinic and head home. So when her parents called us again, informing us about her relapse, I wasn’t too, too surprised, considering she never spoke much the first time. So now, she is back and I must say a little bit more self confident and self-reliant on her words.
But, Kasey, I don’t want you walking around with Michelle and asking her about her parents, bullying, etc. because I am not sure how she will take it. Okay?" Mrs. Sarah pondered, her eyes focused on my shaking hands before looking me straight in the eye.
"Ok. Thank you, Mrs. Sarah." I responded, before walking out of her office and retreating back to my room to check the time. But, I stopped in my tracks when I spotted Michelle talking to Brian and leaning up against him. Even though Brian treated me like crap, I still liked him so it hurt me to see him move on. I began to walk back towards my room to sleep it off, but as I turned I bumped into Charlie who seemed a bit disoriented.
"Hey... uhm sorry, I was just... uhm... going to my room." Charlie said, his eyes peering at the floor, away from my jealous eyes.
"Yeah... uhm... me too. Sorry." I said, before stepping away from the awkwardness, but just as I was about to pass Charlie, he grabbed my arm.
"Oh... uh... sorry, Kasey, but could we talk?" He said, his voice shaking with nervousness.
"Yeah... where?" I asked, looking around the hallway and unfortunately watching Brian and Michelle flirt amongst each other.
"Uh, how about the lounge?" He asked, leading me towards the gateway to the classrooms, stress reliever rooms, and student/patient lounge.
"So... I wanted to apologize for the things I have done to you, and about yesterday in the backyard. I know I was following Brian’s lead and I am really sorry. I think you know we both have a crush on you and sometimes it’s... well hard to act normal around someone so beautiful. Also, you might see Brian with Michelle but he is doing that to get your attention. So... yeah... I’m gonna go now because I’m embarrassed and need some sleep before dinner. See ya, Kasey :) " He said, blushing a deep red then walking out of the room.
A New Beginning - Part 14The story of my life.
By Kendall Zacker