Goodbye Mummy

To Mummy...
I enter the world in your arms and I look up at you. You are crying. Your face is red. You don't look happy to see me, Mummy.

Pregnancy Blues. I learned that from TV. Maybe you feel sad because your body is bleeding and shooting sad chemicals. Maybe you will love me one day, Mummy.

My teachers say I am smart. Everyone else says I am smart. But you keep calling me 'stupid'. I will work harder for you. I will learn more. I will do anything to impress you, Mummy.

You don't like to look at me. Sometimes when you look, you cry. One time, you said I looked like him. My daddy. You don't like him very much. Is he a bad man, Mummy?

Sometimes I try to hold you. To hug you. But you get angry. You don't like it when I touch you. But why Mummy?

You leave the house a lot. Especially at night. I am all alone. I wait and wait for you. Sometimes I am scared that you won't come back. I cry for you, Mummy.

I get hungry a lot. I feel so weak. You are gone for so long. Sometimes I sleep to stop being hungry. You forget to feed me a lot. I have to steal my friend's food, Mummy.

Then you come home. You can't walk and talk properly. You are holding a bottle in your hand. I run to you and I hug your legs. But you push me away. Why do you shout at me, Mummy?

You get angry and you slap me. Punch me. Kick me. Spit at me. And I cry and cry. Why do you hate me, Mummy?

You hit me a lot. You keep saying I am a mistake. I get so upset. But I can never be mad at you. I believe your words. I am horrible. I am stupid. I am a huge mistake. I am so sorry, Mummy.

Today, you are too angry. You are pushing me. I hit the wall. You throw a vase at my head. You keep hitting and hitting me. I fall down. Weak and hungry and broken. I think I am bleeding, Mummy.

Then you hold me in your arms. You look down at me for the first time in a long time. Why are you crying, Mummy?

I am happy. You are finally holding me. You are finally looking at me. You are hugging me tightly. All I ever wanted is this. Your attention. Your love. So, please, stop crying Mummy.

You say, "what have I done?" again and again. You rock me like a baby. I feel so safe. You hurt me a lot. But the pain feels better now. It's okay, Mummy.

The world is fading away. It's time for me to go. I am leaving this world the way I entered it. In your arms, looking into your eyes.

I hope you know I love you.

Goodbye, Mummy.
Published: 11/30/2016
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