If Only - Chapter Forty One (Part C)

Another Chapter and Extra from the Author.
My head was spinning. It was this kind of feeling when you knew you were asleep, but it was more like you were hesitant to wake up with my lids closed, yet eyes alive rolling around inside, heart was beating abnormally fast and almost had it literally jumped out through my nostrils. If that was even, imaginable.

I was beginning to think that hell, I spent the night with Russel for the freaking second time which as a grown up woman with dignity I shouldn't, and that just happened absurdly like a natural thing. We made out, pretty drunk, exhausted, and fell asleep. What, the actual fuck?

We were not even dating, and what happened last night was actually what those people do-those people who dated. I enjoyed the kiss, I did. Who wouldn't?

I would be shot in the head if I lied about how wonderful his kiss was, which somehow had kind of flipped the unknown switch within me, I mean, he was good. Well, Great. I mean, who am I kidding? What did you expect from a womanizer, really? He got looks. He was a top-notch kisser and was probably good in bed. What intrigued me the most was that I actually let him kissed me, which was the first mistake that led me to the second, laying next to, whose despite the comforting warmth was the body of a man I was completely aware of. Knowing that, who would feel at ease at all?

The chirp of birds were not helping much, they gave me chills down my spine, because seriously if those birds started to sing, it would only mean one thing - the sun had risen higher and I wouldn't want Caroline to walk in here and thought that I'd spent the night in the café like people did motel. You know, motel, love motel to spend the night in a sexual connotation with stranger or your lover - if you had options at all.

I counted to three before I opened my eyes, and had to realize after that it was such a silly thing to do. I sneaked a peek as I opened my right eye slowly, and choked. That was not nice at all.

Russel was wide awake, annoying as crap I know, he was in this comfy state of laying on his side, and facing me like he had been watching me, I had no idea since when, but from the look of amusement on his face I knew, he had seen my most embarrassing face. You know the face you'd subconsciously made when you were asleep. Mouth open, drooling, snoring, mumbling - I wouldn't know the rest.

"Hey," a rasp, masculine voice greeted me, "Turtle," Holding my breath, in case I smell. If I had been pretty reluctant to wake up, I was then wide awake, blinking repeatedly like I had gotten myself a huge lump of dusts in my eyes. I would categorize Russel as a pretty much good looking, drop dead gorgeous boy next door months ago, and it hadn't changed since, before now. I could go beyond that in this very second. It hurts to actually see someone who still managed to look good despite the floating parts of hair, disheveled, with tired droopy eyes when I was sure my head had turned into a brutal haystack. Could he spare me privacy instead of staring like there was fun circus going on my face?

"Stop staring," my voice came out, not as how I'd like it, as it almost sounded like a throaty drawl, like I had been screaming, but believe me, I didn't do anything, let alone screaming because apparently he kept my mouth busy last night. I had to clear my throat before I edged away from him, "How long have you been up?" Now it sounded just how I wanted it-annoyed-which I was. His eyes fixed on mine, "Not long before you did."

"And who said you can sleep in my bed with me?" I narrowed my eyes which made him blink, seemed obvious now that he had no idea either. I rolled my eyes and sighed, pushing myself up and looked at him incredulously, "Remember anything about last night?" I raised an eyebrow when he gave up a look of terror and untangled himself from the warm comforter, checking whether we still had clothes on or not, I shook my head as I got off the bed, he should have done that the first thing he realized I was sleeping next to him, seriously, "Unbelievable."

"Where are you going?" He got up and rubbed his eyes, yawning, "Out," I answered flatly, "We have school today and I don't want Caroline to walk in here and think I brought a guy to make out with," which was kind of right in the make out part - I thought. I made a mental note that I would never, ever came close to Russel when he was drunk.

Russel snorted, "We did nothing of the sort," Bastard.

I picked my phone which had been on the floor and checked the time, "It's already six," I said and whirled around to see Russel stretching his body, and those fine muscles flexed through his shirt. For once I was thankful he had his shirt on, or else my eyes would never leave the sight, "Caroline might be on her way here. You better have your car. I can't afford to be late."

"Is there still time for breakfast?" He hopped off the bed and headed to the bathroom, I threw him a look and he shrugged, "We can grab something on our way, drive through service was made for a reason," he said as he disappeared behind the bathroom door, felt like - here was his own home already eh?

My phone vibrated while I was trying to figure out what should I wear, yeah since all my stuff here, had not yet been unpacked and just sat on the very corner of my house. How was I supposed to say to those who'd probably ask why do you wear the same shirt as yesterday?

The answer were either they'd think of me as a hobo, had a dirty lazy butt or well, the worse was that they'd think I slept around. You know, everything depended on what slept around would probably mean for them. And yup, mostly I couldn't stand wearing the same clothes for more than a day. I sweat, and sweat produced smell. And that was where gross came from. And now I was stuck with that.

I sighed in frustration before I checked the screen and saw the name I was too familiar with.

I'm going to pick you up at 6.30 straight, that okay?

It was from Tyler. I completely forgot-what was this all about again? Why would he pick me up? To wher-my house?! I threw my hands and paced back and forth. Oh hell. I couldn't possibly tell I had been here, moreover what would happen if he saw Russel here?!

It's okay, you don't have to pick me up. Thanks anyway.

I threw my phone onto the bed and guilt started to build in me. It was not like we were still a thing, but the fact that I was here, with Russel felt somehow strange. What made it unfair was the kiss.

I made a mistake last night, I got carried away, I didn't know what had happened to me-he was drunk, I wasn't! How frustrating was that?! But that only emphasized I was the one who initiated it. Okay, maybe I was not the one who started it, but I accepted it with my own will. It had this thin difference, yet still came with the same result though. The guy didn't even know he did it! Guess what, the fucking guilt was on me alone! Victory dance now, shall we?

Okay, so what if he found out later about the kiss, what should I do then? He wouldn't think I was okay with anyone after all I'd been through with Tyler, would he? I was not that kind of girl! Oh wonderful. He'd think I was dumb and easy like that! It was because he made me feel strange!! And who said he could emit such crazy sexy stupid pheromones as he pleased?! Oh Samantha, you are so darn stupid... if you're going to fuss over it why did you do that in the first place, holy shit! I threw my hands and scratched my head in irritation, slumping and slapped my face a couple of times, "Stupid!" I hissed to myself.

"What are you doing?" Russel stood leaning on the frame of the bathroom door, watching me with a worried look. He was probably questioning my sanity by now. I shrugged, "Bug." He raised a brow and I scowled, "What?"

"I'm having fun watching you pacing while you have those creepy expressions on but," he grinned sheepishly, "I need to change, do you have anything here?" I gawked at him, "Are you kidding me, there isn't a single thing here! I cleaned everything up except the business downstairs."

Don't tell me we were going to be gross duo because as unpleasant as it sounded, we all knew, it takes two to make that slept around speculation get the best percentage comparing to others. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, "What time does this Caroline usually get here?"

"Some time around six to seven, why?" I crossed my arms over my chest and watched him walk out the bathroom and took his car key that I just realized had been on the piano the entire night, "I'm going to take some clothes from my car, I got lots there. If she got here before I do, give me a call."

"What if she got here the moment you are heading out?" I asked, "Well, that would be the reason I chose not to go out through the door, Turtle," he opened the balcony door and hopped onto the little fence before he jumped as if he didn't weigh.

I was watching him with mouth open, astonished. "Russel!" I sprinted out to the balcony and looked down to see if he landed safely. He might have injured himself. It was the freaking second floor and he was already running outside the lulls, he reminded me of cat. Or maybe monkey.

I fidgeted as I kept glancing on my phone screen, 06.24.

She must be close.

"Samantha?" She was already here.

"Yes!" I dialed Russel number and he picked it up as fast, "She's there?" Was the first thing he said, I nodded and had to slap myself for doing useless thing, what was the nod for, he couldn't even see me! "She is," he cursed underneath his breath, Caroline knocked on the door of the room I was in and I panicked, "Listen she's here I gotta hang up."

"No, no, no-don't," he cut me off, "Listen, I'm going in and tell her you asked me to bring you clothes, don't look nervous and just go along with what I said or else she'd be suspicious, got it?" I almost choked. I never had guys to get me my clothes! That was suspicious enough! "I'm hanging up."

"What, I can't-you should-no, don't hang up yet-"

"Who are you talking with?" Caroline popped her head in and played with her brows, looking at me in a funny way, "Friend," I quickly answered.

"I was asking him a favor if he could get me some clothes, I forgot, I cleaned everything here before-"

"Him?" She raised her brows, I swallowed.

"Uh, yeah, him," I pressed my lips together and waited, it was not a good thing to let her know the situation beforehand. "Boyfriend?" I craned my neck up abruptly in surprise and I kind of cricked it, "No!"

"Then why did you call him when you can ask your Mom?" I could hear my own heartbeat, I was that nervous! "Well, it'll take time and I don't want to trouble her, and uh... this friend lives close so-"

And then someone got in the lulls as the little bell rang, Caroline frowned, "I haven't put the open sign yet," It must be Russel, "I'll get it."

"No, you stay here and take a shower," she winked and closed the door. I was hesitant while I took a step into the bathroom, but had to turn around and see if it was really Russel or not. I dashed the stairs and coughed aloud as I see Russel talking with Caroline, I quickly approached them and stood next to her, "Hey," I was suck at acting.

"Here, clothes," he handed the paperbag with obviously his clothes in it and Caroline nudged me, "Boyfriend," she whispered, "No," I hissed back. And I could see her rolling her eyes.

"Uh, I'm sorry, but I need to use the ba-restroom," Russel gave me a look and I wasn't sure if that meant anything.

"You can use the restroom meant for guests, it was in the corner of..." Caroline turned slightly around and showed him the direction with her hand and then I saw him looking at me, pulling on his shirt and waving his hand at the level of his nose as he wrinkled it, and pointed his finger upstairs, I open my mouth in realization, "Ah...uh, No! You can use the bathroom in the room upstairs."

"Huh? But-" Caroline was about to throw a question but Russel quickly cut her off.

"Thanks, would you show me?" I could see Caroline was narrowing her eyes at me from the corner of my eyes-see, suspicious enough. "Sure,"

I heard Caroline muttered something behind my back, "Definitely her boyfriend," I whirled around to see her grinning at me, "Shut up!" Blushing, I ignored the amused expression she had on her face. If anything, she would use this kind of situation to tease me next time we met.

Closing the door behind me I glared at Russel, "What did you do here in the first place anyway?" I took the shirt out from the bag, noticing knitwear and casual shirts also a pair of jeans inside it, "If you wanted to stay here you should tell me beforehand," at least I could tell my Mom to let him stay here for a while, with some made up excuses I was sure she'd agree. She liked the boy anyway.

"I don't like leeching off people, besides I'm here to figure out what to do with that," he pointed his fingers at the piano as he took the casual shirt and a pair of jeans I was holding in my hand. I looked at him in disbelief, "Who said you are? I just wanted to help you sort things out!" He grew silent after a moment and began to walk in the bathroom,

"I can take care of myself," he said before closing the door.

Outraged, I threw the remaining shirts and knitwear onto the bed, "I bet you do," Seething, I threw a dagger glare at the door as if they could make a hole on it, "He sure can take care of himself, loitering around, and sleazing and not even go to school."

Who do you think has made him like that? My mind once again voiced the inevitable truth. I sighed, rubbing my hands on my face, groaning. Are you saying I'm responsible for this then? My eyes widened, staring at the ceiling, perplexed. No, he was the one digging his own grave! I tried to deny, but the other me argued. Yeah, a grave that was supposed to be yours, stupid.

Scratching my head furiously, I once again flopped onto the bed, sitting as if nothing happened when he came out from the bathroom. We exchanged no words as I sprinted inside the bathroom. I guess it'd turned awkward now.

I shivered as I took off my clothes, kept twisting until the water turned warm enough to start showering. I ran my hands all over my body and cleaned the sweat, sighing. I still had to wear the same jeans and underwear, ugh. I wished I could just go home.

My eyes widened, "Clothes!!" I cried out and twisted the door knob and stopped halfway. I blushed. I couldn't just walk out and take it! Russel must be there as well, and yet I would die in embarrassment to ask him to hand those to me! I spent about almost half an hour I was sure I'd catch a cold if I spent another minute until I couldn't help but sneeze, loud.

"Achoo!!" Covering my mouth, I muffled my sneezes and had to jump when suddenly I heard a knock. "What?" I stopped the water from running, so I could hear what he was talking.

"Open the door," I must have heard him wrong.

"Turtle, open the door," Did he really ask me to open the door?! Naked?!

"Are you insane?!" I almost choked out the word, terrified.

"I am, if I let you spent another hour inside, now open the door and take the damned clothes," he sounded irritated. I bit my lip and cursed before opening the door, his hand went in with some clothes and a white plastic bag. I stared at the white plastic bag but quickly took those and closed the door. The first thing I opened was the plastic bag and had to gasp when I saw a set of underwear inside. Those you could find at the convenient market. Did he get me these?!

As if he knew what I was thinking I heard him say, "Caroline told me to give those to you."

I put on the underwear quickly before slipping into the shirt that held Russel's scent. I had to take a deep breath, inhaling the scent as if I made a note in my mind, as if I tried to memorize his masculine scent. Okay, so Caroline must have gone to the convenient market in the neighborhood, and told Russel to give this to me?

I opened the bathroom door to see Russel laying on the bed, his feet dangling on the edge, "Are you done?"

"Most likely," I narrowed my eyes at him, "Did you have a quick peek of what's in the bag before?"

"If you're done then I'll drive you to school," he didn't answer. It would somehow frustrate me if he did peek meant he knew what underwear I was wearing! Even though those underwear at the market usually looked the same. I was thinking he must have fucking seen the underwear before he gave it to me. I glared at his back when we both went downstairs and met Caroline with the staffs and coming guests. Caroline stole a quick glance at me and winked, I frowned. "Thanks for letting me use the bathroom," Russel said to Caroline, "No problem. I expect you to come here often though, have a meal or some drinks, sometimes," she smiled at him and I knew she emphasized something in the way she said it, sneaky.

"We're going to school, Caroline, thank you," I leaned in to give her a hug and just when I was about to pull away she whispered, "FYI, he asked me to get you those," I pulled away and gave her a questioning look, what did she-

And she made this outrageous gesture of fixing her bra and gave me a wink. I blushed, my face suddenly felt hot. "Aw... what a caring boyfriend," she drawled.

"He's not-"

"Sam," Russel called me, oblivious to what Caroline and I had been arguing about, and raised his hand, the one with a watch hugging his wrist, "Quarter past seven."

Without a word, I scooted closer to where he stood and headed out. Let's hope he wasn't freak enough to check the underwear before he gave those to me earlier.


"You're not going?" I was in his car, stopping in front of the school gate.



"I just don't feel like it."

My heart clenched again, this time with mild force compared to last night. "When will you feel like going to school?"

"...I don't know."

I bit my lip, staring down on my fidgeting fingers, "If... If I ask you to come, will you?"

I glanced at him and saw his eyes focused on the road in front of us, on those bunches of boys and girls flocking just outside the gate, "Probably no, not today."

I smiled bitterly. It was like a growing virus inside me, a disease which increased my heartbeat in just a matter of second, plotting to push everything that I had in me out, exposed. Probably my sanity and denials which I preferred to call it reasons that had been sealing them inside for a while now, even though they crept around like wild weeds inside me - at least that was how I imagined those alien feelings I'd been having around him. I had been holding back an urge to hold my knees, so I could press them against my chest to at least calm the disturbingly hollow beats inside it. "At least ,will you consider how I feel?"

I could see him turning to look at me from the corner of my eyes, but I refused to look at him in the eye and kept them focused on my fingers instead, "I'm really grateful that you helped me stay here, but you make me uncomfortable."

"I know you must be angry now, at the fact that they actually took everything away from you, and I'm really, really sorry that it happened as the price you have to pay for my sake. But the way you are now makes me feel more apologetic, pathetic and regretful to the point that I wished you never helped me. Part of me was thankful, another part feels sorry and I'm overwhelmed with guilt, which, you wouldn't have the slightest idea how frustrating that is," the word rushed out as if those disease revealed their rotten bits, not quite everything. Not even a dust of its wickedness.

But what choice do I have? I couldn't just smile and let him do whatever he feels right when I know better that it's not.

"I'm sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable," he finally said, "It's a lie if I said I'm not angry, disappointed."

"But I think attending school now will be bad because I still can't control my feelings and I don't want to do something I will regret later, because honestly, I want to rip that triumph off their faces, and I know I will, just-"

"Then stay with me," I said without thinking twice, and blinked.

"I mean, stay close to me and others, we will keep you doing something that will harm you and your family."

"They are not my family."

"Either way, they still are - you are related by blood... however unfair they'd been treating you so far and let's not change the topic, you have Ronne, you have Chad, Matt, everyone has been looking for you and the least, you can do is to go out there and show them you are alright."

He showed hesitation, "We care, Russel," I added and felt ironic, because those disease revealed itself again, making whatever butterfly or creeping weeds inside my stomach acting up, curling around and clenched the vital organs, but more severely around where my heartbeats, making it felt like bursting and lose my breath in the process. But the funny part was it didn't hurt me, they just gave off this slight tingling feeling as I repeated the word as the realization hit me.

"We care about you," I care about him, "A lot."


Author's note

Can't make excuses, but yes I spent about more than a month not uploading new chapters. I had been sick for a whole week, and after that I had to do religion stuff, kind of prayers and fasting for a whole holy month. So during the month I kind of let my mind at peace and not thinking about anything heavy and engrossed myself in the act of devotion towards God.

So, about this chapter, I enjoyed writing this one, but somehow I felt that it lacks something, some engaging chemistry that would latch onto the readers' mind, be it in the form of image or emotion. This is something that always kept me from uploading faster, because I write and rewrite to make more impact. And English is definitely not my first language, so if you'll excuse my lack of vocabulary (and grammar) I will work harder to obtain/learn more. It's just as hard to make room for writing since I work too late, not to mention the distance between my house and the place where I work (and if I can share a bit of my frustration here, yet has a promotion whatsoever after another year working, I wish I could have a better job, because this one honestly has started to wear me out). But somehow I will try to make it, I have stomach and family to support, but I want to keep writing even though sometimes I'm depending on the last string of hope to continue, but at least I have that last string better than nothing.

Apart from those pathetic excuse (even though I had mentioned that I couldn't make one but still did) and the long line of frustration, um, I still wanted to thank you, to click and read this story nonetheless, despite the fact how lousy, unprofessional, and untalented the writer is. I would really appreciate if you leave a comment, but if not, it's okay. Reading is enough courage. But comment always gives me bigger courage though.

And I should apologize to my first loyal readers JK you seemed to be eager to be the first to read and leave the comment and that was sweet thank you so much and sorry, swtfrnd bless you and I still haven't got the chance to ask if you have the little you (a baby) yet and wish you a happy life and may god always bless you for sharing your inspiring life, here means you really liked me and my writing and I'm sorry to blow everything if you read this at all, also Jazzleigh and her brother Juzz, I wanted to ask if you still go out with that Tyler guy or anything but you probably gave up on reading my story by now. Glaxy I am so sorry and I love you too really, I am glad to see you here again, you don't know I'm smiling away like a crazy maniac knowing you left a sweet comment for me, and also this sweet girl that some time ago I forgot, she mailed me and said sweet things and I couldn't mail her back since I didn't know what's gotten into me, I was such a bitch, but I did forget that time. I meant to reply, but I remember it was because I haven't uploaded for century and when I remember her mail, I started to write again. I think her name would be Purple in comment section, If I got it wrong and if you are still reading this story, please let me know. Thank you, and bless you hon. And Jake, the cool guy who read my story even though it started with misunderstanding, yet we were cool, always got a slightly different comment which the girls won't agree sometime but yes, still okay, but with his personality he won't wait for another century for the following chapter, so I can say he probably has given up by now.

Greeze, you always left a comment which makes me smile and grinning away by your eager or should I say the set up mood between Russel and Tyler team with. Amber in addition, she made a story as well, that's more than worth to check out. She is sweet, she is fabulous and very energetic! Bless her. Jyoti, how could I forget you one of Russel teamed up with Amber and Greeze and with such a killing aura defeating Tyler team... ah... so wonderful those times.

Jlyzze, Shai and Shining and, Leslie I love you so much for making the comment section fired up and Alexis Reece awesome writer, and I really love you as well for being so kind to leave such amazing comments. Anna who is so crazy about Russel as much as the other Russel team, Sally, Susan, and Lyn! Yes, You guys, I missed you a lot. Amora, Tia T, Tabassum, Fatima, I could go on forever. But all I can say is well, the 'you never knew what you have until you lose it' philosophy is right and I feel it. But this is not farewell, even though maybe some of you gave up, I will always remember those wonderful comments you left and thank you, thank you so much and sorry.

For my dearest Russel and Tyler Team, Sorry if I couldn't remember most of you or I know, but your name probably missed out, but I still love you,

Kindest regards and LOVE,
Published: 8/5/2014
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