If Only - Chapter Thirty Six (Part B)

Feelings and confession.
Dear Readers,

Life crisis - is my only reason why I haven't posted in like, half a year or more. I know some of you may think, "Why do you think I want to read your story again, considering how much time you take to make the next one". I know. I understand that. So, please forgive me.

But here is the next one. I plan to flood you with more chapters, but I won't promise. Once I do, please read my story and make sure to comment, because to be honest, I am starting to lose my confidence to write.

With Love,


Chapter Thirty Six (B)

For suddenly meeting like this, I had no confidence to start acting normal in front of him. I had been practicing quite frequently, but now I forgot how to pull both corners of my mouth to form a smile (not grin) without twitching.

We were just an arm close. If he would just reach his hands and pull me into his arms, I probably wouldn't stand right here, fidgeting like a big moron. I longed to say his name, from my throbbing heart up my throat and stuck on the tip of my tongue, but the words lingered there, they just wouldn't come out. It wasn't that I was afraid to talk to him, I couldn't. The only thing that I was afraid of was how far out the conversation between us would go after I said his name. What was the worst I might have to expect, how much painful and how would I cope with it? I was thinking about the cause and its impact.

What if, both of us had nothing to say? All that left was the word I least wanted to say. Since when, I started to grow this emotion I didn't even know its name. I was scared to open my mouth but my heart wouldn't stop screaming, whining, accusing, pleading. Not a word ever reached his heart.

Anything. I could just bite off my tongue instead of saying goodbye.

This might sound selfish, but seeing him after a long time, saying goodbye was definitely out of question. I didn't want to shed a single tear when the time comes for me to leave. When everything had turned into a pool of bitterness, I wished to turn my back on it and smile. Let them evaporate and perished the horrid memories and the 'me' inside of it.
Washington was not all about bad choice, and to forget Tyler was never a harm. And it would not be painful only to try one of those things that I never had the guts to do before.

"Shouldn't you be at school now?" It was hard to force back the insincerity, but at least I tried.

His response was a bit slower than I thought. He seemed to be a bit surprised, yet I couldn't read further as he clenched his jaw and answered, "It's school festival today. I don't feel like going."

School festival? I frowned. So November 23rd, festival day- I totally forgot. I must text Rebbeca to wish her good luck, and then... my shoulder fell, I remembered now. That was why Russel nagged me about November 23rd. He would sing the song I made- I smiled lightly as I reminisced- and win the bet.

I felt terrible for not seeing him now, it was as if I broke a promise. Even though we didn't promise anything about seeing each other but, still... I feel like seeing him, only I couldn't. I didn't have that much time to even go there alone to meet him.

"Why would you care if I were or wasn't at school?" He tried to change the topic, "You're leaving anyway," Somehow that hurts. I inhaled deep and stared at him, long and yearning, probably for the last time.
"...for, whatever I've done that makes you hurt, this is a consequence that I am willing to take. One thing," my voice began to shake and sounded like a whisper of a dying person, so I took a step forward and stopped inches right in front of him so he could hear.
He must hear what I was going to say.

After he heard this, he wouldn't be the only victim that could go around accusing me, judging me for what I'd done. I had been patient enough. I had been... in love enough, but he shouldn't compare his short-time pain to my five years of sorrow waiting him only to receive his momentary love and more of his hateful words.

"-do you think, knowing me for so long, that I did those reckless things without reason?" The ugly side of me awakened. The side of me that remained silent, hateful, selfish, and full of agony that I never wanted anyone to find out its existence. It kept on growling, trying to corrupt my senses. "Don't you want to know why I hid the truth which made you look at me like a big, nasty worm underneath your shoes?"

"Did you see how disgustingly in love you were with Julie?" I could see that it gave him more than a slap, his eyes widened and turned red, "I bet you would never notice me around if she didn't dump you that day."
"A best friend might as well stand as a stepping stone. No, anyone was probably fine, as long as you didn't lose your face. I might just be the one closest, who didn't care about anything else and give myself to you," a drop of tears fell onto my right cheek, followed by another.

"How stupid."

"For being so worked up over your relationship with Julie and trying to find a way to turn it back at you, to make you feel like you gain one and lose one."

"Sam, wha-" I cut him off by raising my hand. I closed my eyes, as I looked away and said, "Let me tell you that I've hated you so much, that I wished, I could hurt you just as much as you've hurt me before."
"Now that you know," I looked at him again and smiled bitterly, "It doesn't seem like it."
"I'm the only one losing everything, even though I haven't done anything wrong." I started to feel depressed and finally I took my last glance at him before I asked, "If you love someone, so much you may want to seal him inside your own little box and treasure him all for yourself. But if he refuses, and chose to love another girl, after all you've done, wouldn't hate him and trying to revenge are options of normal things to do?"


Tyler's POV

I couldn't help but to say it. I didn't want her to worry about me. I didn't want her to go anywhere. It's been frustrating and I couldn't control myself anymore.
"You are leaving anyway," I really didn't mean it. I was here to stop her from going. But here I was, standing gobsmacked by her continuous, tearful confession. Where did she get that idea that I had been using her? I didn't care about my face! And I didn't see her as a worm at all. It's true that I was in love with Julie once, but after I knew about Samantha and her feelings that she kept secret from me, everything changed. She was the best thing that I never knew existed, I always thought that it would be nice if we stayed friends forever. But when I heard another man was hanging around her and that she couldn't stop saying his name. I got jealous. I shouldn't. But I did.

I didn't want to lose her. But she was only my best friend, I couldn't stop her from liking another man. I had those kind of thoughts as well. I admitted how selfish and disgusting I was that time.

For having a girl in my arms and wanting another girl to stay by my side.

"I'm the only one losing everything, even though I haven't done anything wrong," She said,
"If you love someone, so much you may want to seal him inside your own little box and treasure him all for yourself. But if he refuses, and chose to love another girl, after all you've done, wouldn't hate him and trying to revenge are options of normal things to do?"
I didn't have to think hard. Because her situation resembled mine right now. If she ever go, and chose another man instead of being with me, "I wouldn't hate you and try to get a revenge," I grabbed her hand and pulled her in my arms, I let my body tremble because of her warmth. I let my fingers trace her cheeks, the back of her head as I stared at her, trying to make her understand.

"If you ever escape from my little box and choose him, I would cling on you tighter, mess with your heart until you get it, that there is no one right for you but me!" I saw bewilderedness and confusion on her face as she kept on staring at me. Having her in my arms after a long time drove me crazy, as If I hadn't touched her for decades.

I kissed her, almost roughly because I had no control of this emotion. Because I knew soon enough she'd push me away and tell me to get lost. But I couldn't get enough of her scent, her lips, no matter how her continuous punches had hurt both my chest and my heart.

I loved her. And the possibility of losing her made it clear that I wanted more and more of her than I've ever had before.

"So you want to break me until the end?" She said. Her breathing was fast, rhymed with mine, "This is not broken enough for you?"

That surprised me, "No! How could I-"

"No, it's fine. This time I'm not going to close my eyes." Her lips quivered, and she struggled, trying to get away from me.
"This time, I'm going to watch you break my heart. So do it your best." She said as she walked away.


Samantha's POV

He tricked me.

I shuddered at the thought of it. Confusion raged in my head, causing tremendous pain.
I hit his shoulder hard, struggling in his arms. Tears fell down my cheeks and soaked his hand. I kept on hitting him not as hard, I lost my strength to resist. Until he let go, wiping my tears with his kiss. If I were Samantha, two weeks ago, I would laugh and have a sweet, romantic moment that no movies could ever make. Like a fairy tale she always wanted a sweet ending, no matter how cruel the reality treated her. Samantha he knew, I'm afraid had gone. She knew now that life couldn't be the same as fairy tale. I was that naive, before he opened my eyes, showing me a whole different world way far from happiness, and let me know how real pain felt like.

"So you want to break me until the end?" I asked, distracting myself from being swept away, "This is not broken enough for you?"

"No! How could I-" His eyes widened in surprise. He didn't expect this reaction from me.

"No, it's fine. This time I'm not going to close my eyes."
"This time, I'm going to watch you break my heart. So do it your best."

I pushed him and wiped my lips. I started to walk in and stopped, turning my head slightly to the side. "It's almost scary how you know me better than myself," I told him.

I shouldn't, I know, thinking about the possibility if I let him mess with my head. I guess the worst part was, when I felt whole again when he kissed me, expecting a chance. But I knew that would never ever happen, I was that unlucky after all.

Today when I lose him, I lose myself.

I stuffed my luggage inside the car. My Mom climbed in and we were ready to leave.

I didn't see Tyler waiting for me outside, so I guess he gave up.
I was hoping he had not. I stared at my phone, disappointed. He didn't have any right to stop me, I guess. He didn't even consider me as a friend anymore.

My Mom gasped and my Dad cursed, as he suddenly stepped on the breaks, "What the... does that kid want to die?!" I looked up and saw Tyler standing in the middle of the road. He approached our car and knocked on my window. "Sam, get off." He said, his eyes were red and his tone was almost pleading. I froze.
"Keep driving, Dad," Before I change my mind -I thought.
"Samantha... I think both of you should talk-" My Mom held my trembling hands.
I gritted my teeth. "No. Keep driving."
I bit my bottom lip hard when I knew I already left him far behind. I didn't want to look back. I would jump off the car if I did.

My phone rang, I glanced at it and sighed. I picked it up.
"..." I knew it wasn't Tyler.
"Samantha Aurner? This is Dorthy Maxwell, Mr. Dylan Secretary."
The next thing I heard from her, made me jump off the car and run towards him.


To Be Continued...
Published: 1/2/2013
Bouquets and Brickbats | What Others Said