We all know that perfect guy in fictional stories. He's got flawless skin, beautiful eyes, he's extremely talented, he's Superman in disguise and he's the definition of perfection. He is basically the male version of Mary Sue. Heck, I never once thought I'd ever meet a 'Gary Stu' in my life, since I believed they existed in the pages of a novel. I thought humans were way too flawed, everyone one of us, but my opinion changed when I met Josh.
It all began in our English lesson one day. Our forty-year old teacher, Miss Gay (yes, that is really her surname) called out for a pair to perform their poetry that they've written. The theme was 'conflict' or something - I wouldn't really know since I didn't care much for this class.
"Josh and Tyrone!"
Tyrone Wilkins is known for his notorious rapping skills. Despite how bad he is, he is actually loved for this very aspect. I caught him looking at Josh, his brown eyes wide in hesitation. They didn't make a poem at all. Instead, they wasted their time yesterday by playing video games and food-fighting and breaking a window.
Then I heard Josh muttering, "Just bullshit on the spot. I'll make this work."
So, the two boys were standing in front of the classroom. It was the first time Josh was wearing black. A black hoodie decorated with bold white letters that spelled out: 'Die Laughing.' Meanwhile, Tyrone was wearing a white sports jacket. Miss Gay emphasized the importance of dressing professionally and matching your outfits when delivering a class presentation. Yet, here they were, a complete informal contrast from each other.
Miss Gay had two other teachers, Mr. Kaur and Mrs. Sanders who were invited to watch our presentations. Our teacher had a clipboard in her hand, ready to assess the pair and give them an overall rating at the end of their performance.
"Boys, where are your notes?" Miss Gay asked, lowering her glasses to gaze at their empty hands.
"We um..." Tyrone began, hesitating again.
"Don't need 'em. We got this," Josh replied confidently.
"Really? Well, I'm impressed," Miss Gay said, nodding. The other two teachers were also nodding too, seeming keen. "Feel free to start whenever you're ready."
Josh nudged his sidekick. Tyrone coughed into his big hands while his anxious dirt-brown eyes were staring at anything but us.
"Um... once upon a time, in the middle of the night," Tyrone began.
The noise of a grandfather clock struck. Everyone in the class seemed startled, looking around, wondering where that noise was coming from. Tyrone was staring at Josh and his mouth was wide open in shock. Suddenly the classroom was alive with laughter. Many people were questioning the same thing undoubtedly. How on earth did Josh produce that noise with his mouth?
"A boy woke up ready to fight," Tyrone continued.
"Hee-yah! Wuujah! Nyehhehh!"
Josh made shrieking noises, resembling a stereotypical ninja and he punched and kicked the air while back-flipping. I was worried that he was going to break his bones. Looking at the teachers, I expected them to tell him off, but they all seemed too stunned to speak.
Meanwhile, our classmates were applauding and cheering wildly now.
Their presentation continued with Tyrone spewing out the first things that came to his mind with Josh acting out the role. Their poem didn't even make sense - it was about a boy who fought a killer futuristic ape that turned out to be his father. It didn't even end there.
"A helicopter swooped in outta nowhere," Tyrone said. Josh made realistic noises of the helicopter blades whirring. The thump-thump-thump of the helicopter got louder, almost making it seem like there was an actual helicopter in the room with us. I was simply amazed by his accuracy to imitate these sounds and vary them in pitch - he was like a human parrot.
"A girl screamed and pulled her hair," Tyrone continued.
At this point, Josh held onto his throat, where his Adam's apple was located, and he appeared to be pressing it back. I was amazed at how it didn't explode or stop working yet. Then he screamed. A very, very high-pitched scream, which sounded all too familiar. Heads automatically turned to look at Jimmy Chung.
"He sounds exactly like you, bro!" Liam exclaimed, laughing and nudging the Asian boy.
"Shurrup man," Jimmy muttered, his face burning in embarrassment.
"The girl screamed louder!" Tyrone said.
Josh screamed louder and more high-pitched. I could feel the ground shaking beneath my feet.
"And louder!" Tyrone yelled.
Josh closed his eyes, his face turning slightly pink as he screamed even louder. The glass windows were cracking and I felt like my eardrums would explode any second.
"And louder, until she felt her lungs bursting!" Tyrone pressed on.
Josh glared and shoved Tyrone, who was clearly laughing and loving every bit of this. Still, the boy increased his volume and screamed incredibly louder - which I didn't think was possible. I'm surprised our ears weren't bleeding!
Miss Gay finally intervened.
"Alright! That's enough screaming! There are classes next to us and we don't want to disturb them, boys," she said firmly, although she couldn't hide the smile off her face.
This wasn't fair! If it was anyone else but Josh, she would have shouted at them and probably given them detention.
The boys' presentation was over soon. They received the biggest applause from everyone, including all three teachers. Spoiler alert -- they scored the highest out of the class. The teachers were greatly impressed by their sound effects and the story plot was 'a creative, captivating tale with many twists and turns' (Mr. Kaur's words).
I'm just shocked. These two idiots free-styled on the spot with no rehearsal, no staying back after school to actually work. Yet they came out on top, beating the individuals who actually worked for hours on their poems. And I'm not blind nor deaf -- it's clear that Josh is the sole reason for why they won. Their poem didn't even make sense! But, thanks to Josh's sound effects and his energetic delivery, he turned a garbage poem into something more exciting and fun.
This is what I called the 'Josh Effect'.
It's break time. Usually I'm in the library with my friends, but we're outside. We're in the corner of the playground, away from the football field and the noisy kids. The red bench, under the old oak tree, is our favorite place to rest.
"First, he pulls a snake out of his mouth. Then he's a human parrot. You guys should've been there," I tell Tom and Jerry.
"He's amazing with his mouth, isn't he?" Tom says in a suggestive tone, giggling like a naughty schoolgirl.
Jerry rolls his eyes. "There's something weird about this guy. He's clearly not normal."
"You don't say, Sherlock," I retort.
Jerry glares at me. "I mean... I'm getting this strange vibe from him. Like there's more to him than meets the eye. I can't explain it," he continues, seeming frustrated by the demons in his mind.
"Everyone is complex. There's always more to us than we show. In that respect, Josh isn't any different from us," I respond in a matter-of-fact tone.
Jerry frowns, clearly unconvinced. I don't think I'm convincing myself either.
*Kian's Point of View*
"I don't like him. I never liked him. He looks like a typical fuckboy and acts like he's the King of The Bloody School. And he's so cringy, especially in that English class! I swear on my mom's life, I saw a recorder poking out of his jacket pocket. I'm pretty sure he wasn't making those noises, but he was just pretending - that sly son of a bitch. I could have easily done that! I don't get why everyone is up his ass," I rant heatedly.
Am I a hater? Probably, but I don't care. I've had enough. I can't go anywhere in this goddamn school, or even turn a simple corner, without hearing idiots talk about this new kid like he's some big deal.
"You should say that to his face," Ant the asshat says to me.
"I gladly will. I'm not scared of him," I spit out.
"Here's your chance! He's coming this way."
I try to keep my face expressionless. If only I could control my beating heart which was racing annoyingly fast. I turn to my left and, lo and behold, there he is. The legendary Josh Dagenhart. I was surprised that his popular crew weren't following him like lovesick puppies. I expected Josh to walk past us, but he walked over to our table and he stopped right in front of me.
"Yo, chicka. You gonna eat that?" Josh asks, pointing to my mother's homemade blueberry muffin in my hand.
"Yes," I reply dryly. "And my name is Kian."
"Kian? That sounds like a dude's name," Josh says.
"No shit," I snap.
"You a lesbo?"
"What?!" I exclaim, absolutely mortified. Then it hit me. He thinks I'm a girl.
Ant laughs at me. The students nearby laugh at me. Heck, it feels like the entire school is laughing at me while I just want to die from sheer embarrassment.
God, I hate Josh so much.
Butterfly: I agree with you. True story, I had a nightmare about my friend pulling a snake out of their mouth. It inspired me to make this xD.
Apps: Yes, yes.
Mr. Goodbytes: Your wish is my command. Voila!