Eugh! It's my dumb old Mom yelling. Gosh, why can't she just go jump off a cliff and smack her head against some sharp rocks?
"What is it?" I snap.
"Don't shout at me!" Mom's voice is getting louder now. A sign that she's coming closer... Crap.
My bedroom door swings open and who just happens to stomp in like an annoying elephant? The woman who unfortunately gave birth to me does.
"Look, girl, do you want to die of starvation?" Mom asks, screaming her fat lungs off.
"I'd rather die than eat any of your crap!" I yell back. Obviously, I can't let her get away with shouting at me. I got to fight back or else she'll think she's all it.
"I'd rather you die too," she spits.
"Just get lost!" I push her out of my room. It's a bit difficult considering she's a fat blob, but I eventually get her out of there.
"You little blah-di-blah...!" Mom goes on and on, shouting more and more insults that don't affect me whatsoever. I really can't stand her. She needs to go die, like, seriously.
I pick up my phone which I ruthlessly chucked on my bed and scroll through my music. I put on Justin Bieber - Mistletoe. Everyone knows I'm a total Belieber! He is so fit and I love him to bits! I wish I met him. That would be the best! No, it would be better than the best. It would be the most highlight moment of my dull life.
No one has it worse than me. My life is so stupid and boring! It's not interesting one bit. I have an idiotic Mom who I hate with all my guts. There's also Dad, but I don't really know him at all. I hardly ever see him because he works in one of those 24 hour job thingies. I love the word 'thingies', don't ya? Of course you do.
I have an older sister who I'm okay with, but at times she can be a big bitch. Not as bitchy as Mom, but still quite bitchy. She's nothing interesting either. She hates Justin Bieber and One Direction, so for that, I think she's seriously mental. She also hates pink and is obsessed with art-junk. Like, what is so fun about painting and scribbling? Anyone can do it, yet she worships those stupid artists. It's very stupid of her.
I guess I'm the only normal, sane person in my home. I dance for two hours straight to Justin Bieber and One Direction. I guess I'm quite a Directioner too, but I love Justin more 'coz I known him longer! Like my whole life. Hehe!
I can hear Mom's voice. It's purposefully loud and aimed at me.
"Whoever doesn't eat can get gastritis!"
She is so stupid! Does she think I'm an idiot? Does she even know what gastritis is and what causes it? Just because her stupid friend got it, she worries that the rest of us will too! Gosh. Idiot!
Okay, so I don't know what gastritis is either, but whatever! I just know you don't get it solely on not eating. Come on, that is just plain stupidiotical!
Stupidiotical is my word. No one else has come up with it. Just me! Hehe!
"Whoever doesn't drink water is causing problems to their kidneys!" Mom screams from outside my door. Eurgh, like, shut up! I am perfectly okay. If anything, she's the one causing problems for me. She's giving me headaches!
Oh my glob. I totally forgot! Like this happened a week or so, but anyway, I was brushing my hair and admiring it 'coz it's so soft and silky - especially when I double condition it, but anyway, I found this white hair. White hair! Can you believe it? It was so, so, ugly! You would not believe how ugly it was! It was a huge piece of hair too! I started screaming and Mom told me not to pull it out 'coz if I do then apparently more will appear. Tchick.
Do you know what a white hair means? Do you? It means that I'm getting old! So that worries me. Mom stupidiotically said that it just means I'm stressed out. Um, yeah, okay. Maybe I am. But I'm also getting old! I just know it. I think I'm dying of cancer maybe. Do cancer people get white hair? I should research about it, but that is so boring! Plus I just know I'm getting old, like really old.
There was this one time when my Dad's friend thought I was my Dad's mother! Like what the hair gel!
I came down from the stairs after wetting my hair and my Dad's friend, I think his name's Tony, looked at me and sort of jumped back. He then laughed, and after my Dad asked him what was wrong, he said, and I quote, "Nah, I thought that was your Mom then."
So I was like speechless and I didn't know what to say. It was so embarrassing and if I ever see him again, I'm going to flip him one. That jerk deserves to die too. I wish I had the power to kill people. I totally have a huge list of people who I'd like to torture. I didn't actually write a list 'coz that will take forever, but I do have it safely locked up in my mind.
My phone vibrates, interrupting my music time. Arghhh, can't I ever listen to my music in peace? Gosh! Stupid idiots! They got nothing better to do than to call me every chance they can get. But who can blame them? I am a pretty cool person and I'm a great conversationalist!
Definition of a conversationalist: Someone who is interesting to talk to. Like yours truly!
It's Janet, my bestie for life! If anyone hurts her, then I spit at their ugly faces.
"Hey, Jan-Jan, what's up, babes?" I happily greet.
"Nothing, barbs. Just calling to see if you've heard," she says.
"Heard what, babes?" I ask curiously.
"What? You mean, you haven't heard?" Janet says, sounding shocked.
"Erm... I don't know what you're on about, babes."
"Well, everybody's heard about the bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word," Janet replies, singing hideously.
She's so funny! Oh my glob! I'm laughing so hard - it hurts! She is so, so funny! Have I told you guys how funny my bestie is? She is so funny, it's unbelievable!
"Y-you sh-should be-become a-a c-c-c-com-median!" I say in between hysterics. I swear I've never laughed so hard. It hurts! It really, truly hurts! Janet is the funniest person ever! She is so much funnier than anyone else's bestie! She is so hilarious! Hehe!
"I want to become a singer," she replies.
Oh my glob! I laugh louder and harder. She is just too damn funny for her own good. We all know she is tone-deaf and there's no way anyone would want to listen to her singing voice. That's why this is too funny!
"You are so funny, babes!"
"I'm serious. I want to be a singer," she repeats jokingly.
Oh my WOW! I am laughing so much harder that tears are falling down my cheeks. I'm on the floor, holding onto my stomach for support. Oh, oh, oh... I've been laughing so much, it really does truly hurt like... wow, and I've never laughed this hard and... Oh, wow.
I pick up the phone which I accidentally chucked across the room when I fell down laughing.
That's Janet's voice. She sounds so concerned.
"Ah... My baby girl... You are too drop-dead funny, you know. You need to become a comedian and soon! I'm sure thousands and millions and billions and gazillions of people will come and watch you! Imagine that much people laughing at you! It's your dream come true!"
"I don't want people laughing at me," she replies, pretending to be angry.
"Yeah, yeah, of course, I believe you." I laugh weakly. Laughing too much is bad for my health. "But let's be serious now. You can't sing. You'll only make people wish they were deaf, whereas I can sing like an angel. Or so I've been told."
"Sure you can," Janet says in all seriousness. "Because people know what angels sound like, and you definitely sound like one. Your voice isn't one bit annoying."
"I know." I smile. Janet can be really serious when she wants to be. That is, when she's not being a clown.
"I'm going now. Bye."
"Wait!" I exclaim. "Leaving so, so soon?"
"Yeah. See ya."
Oh. She must be tired.
"Okay, well, bye. Take care, babes. Sweet dreams!"
After I hung up on her, I go downstairs. I'm hungry so I might as well feed myself and satisfy my stomach. Besides, I'm super duper hungry. I'm way more hungrier than anyone else in this world.