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My Annoying Girlfriend - Short Story

Some may question why I'm even with her in the first place.
My head is killing me right now. It's this intense throbbing pain, almost as if my brain has a heartbeat that hurts every time it pumps. It causes this stinging pain in the back of my eyes, which only adds to the irritation I feel and this further intensifies my painful headache. Times like this, even the slightest sound or movement from another person can really, really aggravate and annoy me.

"Baby, let's go outside," Maddy says in that whiny voice while she holds my arms in a vice-like grip. We're at my house, sitting together on the dull, brown couch and she places her hard, flat butt firmly on my lap. I already feel suffocated from her tiny, solid frame.

"Later," I murmur, my head softly pounding as my girlfriend exhales a deliberate sigh in exasperation. She smashes her bony head against my shoulder and wraps her spindle arms around me in an attempt to cuddle me. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel any more suffocated than I already was.

"You're lucky I love you," she purrs next to my ear, her warm breath tickling my neck. I suppose this is her trying to be playful and seductive, but I merely feel my headache increasing by the second. My brain feels like it's being boiled right now and I just can't take it anymore. A part of me is so tempted to shove her off my lap and chuck her across the floor.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even with her. Her nasal, whiny voice irritates me, especially when she talks to me when I don't want her to speak. She's also very loud and has a tendency to be noisy whenever she desires. In general, her personality bores me and I find her too irritating. In fact, even her hyena-like laughter irritates me. You would think it all comes down to her appearance, but you're wrong.

She's actually plain average - brown-eyed brunette with a petite, stick-insect figure. Mind you, this is her when she is wearing make-up. I have woken up next to her in the mornings and I have gotten numerous mini heart attacks when I saw her make-up free face. Not to mention, that her morning onion-breath and putrid sweat overwhelms my senses.

"Baby, I'm so bored!" Maddy exclaims in that high, girly voice, which is almost giving me a migraine. Batting her fake eyelashes, she adds, "Please let's go shopping."

"Fine," I snap. She just doesn't know when to take no for an answer. Upon hearing my response, her brown eyes light up and, pursing her chapped lips together, she places a wet kiss on my cheek. It's going to be a long day.

** 1 Hour Later **

Yes, it took us an hour to get here because she needed to get ready. This is another thing that I just completely dislike about her. She seems to lose track of time, especially when she's in the showers. Lord knows what she does in there for so long. Nothing irritates me more than the sound of the shower running because it reminds me that she's wasting a lot of valuable water. And money.

Now I'm standing near the changing stalls, waiting for her to try on some dresses she picked out for her sister's upcoming wedding. I swear to God, all her sisters are or have gotten married. Just why can't she wear the same dress for them all? It's a waste of my money and my time.

Eventually, what feels like five hours later but is probably four and a half hours, my girlfriend steps out of the changing stall wearing a plain, strapless, red dress. It is hard for me to ignore the way her dress reveals her stick-like limbs and thin, curveless figure. She looks at me expectantly and I turn away in the hopes that she doesn't question me.

Clearly I have the worst luck. She turns around, exposing her back side to me and prominently sticks out her little, flat butt to me.

"Does my butt look too big in this?" She asks.

"No," I reply flatly. I wish it did.

"How about my hips? Are they too revealing?" She questions with worry in her eyes.

"No, I can't even see them," I say bluntly. She seems fairly content with my response. However, the dress still isn't good enough for her. She chucks it away and announces loudly that we'll have to come back shopping tomorrow because there's nothing here that meets her high standards.

Here we go again, I think as I roll my eyes.

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On the way home, I got a Big Mac for her, seeing as she complained that she was hungry. For once, I perked up because I can waste my money on something useful. Little does she know, it is my objective to fatten her up. Nobody enjoys making love to sticks and bones.

Now we're in the kitchen and she's making the same, old blah-di-blah she usually does. This regular, repetitive lifestyle is getting very boring for me. At one point, I did confront her about her food. She had the nerve to yell that if I wanted to try new food, I should take her to some restaurants. Excuse me? Does she love to waste my money? All I want is new food presented to the table.

The aroma of spaghetti bolognese hits my nostrils and my stomach grumbles in response. She's been making the same thing for years, so of course she's perfected this dish. She serves it on a plate for me and I inspect it very carefully, looking for any signs of hair. Thankfully, there weren't any. I just don't understand why she refuses to wear those hairnets I gave her for Christmas.

"It just messes up my hair!" She will say, as if that justifies her strands of hair going down my throat and choking me to death.

Sometimes I just want to scream at her.

** A Week Later **

It is the day of the wedding. As expected, Maddy took hours to get ready for this event. She came downstairs with her hair styled and her face caked with make-up. She is wearing a dark, blue flimsy dress, which is honestly the most expensive item I purchased yet, but it was worth it because it covers up her figure nicely.

The car journey took two hours and, during that time, poor Mad had gotten car sick. I suppose it will happen after the amount of nonstop talking she did. I was forced to comfort her and reassure her that she looked fine. Eventually, we arrive at our destination.

The rest of the evening is a blur. I forced myself to socialize and interact with strangers that I didn't have an ounce of care for. I ate and drank and forced smiles and laughter while counting the minutes passing by slowly. I am anything but a social butterfly and I only ever come to these occasions for my girlfriend's sake.

"Come meet my sister's in-laws," Maddy says to me, hooking a stringy arm against mine. Resisting the urge to groan in frustration, I calmly remove my arm and look at her levelly.

"Later," I hiss through my teeth.

After a while, Maddy comes up to me again. I'm at the food table, helping myself to a glass full of punch, when she drags me away with brute strength. I almost spill the drink all over myself.

"Come on, let's take pictures together in that couple's booth over there," she says. It isn't a request but rather an imperative command, which I hate more than anything.

"No," I say, snatching my arm away from her vice-like grip. She stops abruptly and immediately snaps her head to stare at me through fiery eyes.

"What do you mean no!?" She demands loudly and stupidly. Several heads turn to look at us, not that I even care about them to be perfectly honest.

"You can get your picture taken if you want, but don't expect the same from me," I tell her, struggling to maintain a calm and mature composure. It is really difficult to uphold with her snorting like a pig.

"Are you freaking kidding me right now?" She screams in disbelief, sending bits of spit flying everywhere. "I slave for you! I cook and clean the house everyday for you! I always pack your lunch before you go to work! I stopped taking my singing lessons because you apparently hate it when I sing in the house! I make your bed sheets every morning and I always stick by your side, no matter what -- even when you were terminally ill last year! I do all these things not because I have to, but simply because I love you! What have you ever done for me?"

I am definitely aware that more eyes were looking at us now. My girlfriend's eyes, especially, bore into me almost as if they were lasers burning through my skull. She's panting slightly from her rambling speech and her fists are tightened, challenging me to retort.

I am so tempted to say, "I waste my money on you," but I know that will only earn me a slap. Instead, I take a deep breath and I say coolly, "I'm sorry, Mad. You're right. What can I do for you?"

Her angry features partially relax while a slow song comes on. Other couples are making their way to the dance floor and I catch Maddy's eyes wandering over to them.

Oh, God. Please no!

"Well, there is one thing you can do right now..." Maddy begins in that wistful tone, still eying the dance floor while rubbing her arm.

No, no, no! Anything but that!

She doesn't have to say anything. She simply holds out her small hand for me to take.

** 4 Hours Later **

We left the wedding party ages ago. Right now, I'm at a jewelry store, browsing through various necklaces and earrings. God, there's way too many expensive accessories everywhere!

I think it's pretty clear by now that I absolutely hate wasting my money on useless stuff. However, if there's one thing I hate more than that, it's definitely dancing. You won't ever catch me dancing, not for anyone - especially not with my girlfriend. That's the very reason why I'm here because I refused her offer and now she's refusing to speak to me.

Don't get me wrong, the car ride home was blissful for once, since she shut up, but there was an obvious, unnecessary tension in the atmosphere that I just couldn't stand.

"How about this one?" The store assistant suggests, snapping me back to reality as he holds out a silver heart-shaped locket. It's an overrated gift, but it will have to do since it is sold for a reasonable price.

By the time I return home, she's already dressed in her plain light-pink nightgown. She's sitting up in bed, seeming to be absorbed into some book about vampires or something. I cautiously approach her as if she's a snake about to strike.

"Hey, Mad. You still mad?" I ask gently. She continues to read, clearly ignoring my existence. The cold shoulder alone answers my question.

I hand her the small parcel without a word. She looks at the item in her hand in confusion, before she opens it and sees the locket. I can see her fighting back a smile.

"I'm an idiot," I say.

That's all it takes for her to chuck the book carelessly to one side before she pounces into my arms and crushes her tiny, hard figure against me. I hiss through my teeth, holding back my curses of pain, while she fiercely embraces me into a tight, suffocating hug. I have learned that no amount of 'I'm sorry' will fix the situation -- the best way to say sorry is to buy her forgiveness and belittle myself.

Of course, you can see why I find her so irritating sometimes. She is the reason for my intense headaches. Some may question why I'm even with her in the first place. Well, if you haven't already caught on, you will find that the one thing I love about her is all her imperfections.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The End.

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Author's Note

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Published: 3/21/2016
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