Sitting uncomfortably on the comfortable seat, I was thinking about so many things, my tears were too afraid to come out. If hate could ever be defined, then I knew that best because the only emotion I had for myself was - HATE. The flight was taking me somewhere where I would find out a number of questions which were still unanswered. Even if I got the memory back, I knew things did not end there. There were so many things coming for me and all of them were most probably bad, ghostly, and unbearable.
As my eyes searched something in between the clouds passing by, some happy memories winked in my head. They were mostly related to my family and my supposedly past love - Gina. Yes, I had finally remembered her name. She actually looked like Lindsay, why was God so rude? May be God was not so rude, if it was not Lindsay, I would've never got my memory back. But was I happy that I was able to remember everything?
It was not like I just remembered every minute in detail, but if I tried to think of something or someone then I could relate few things to them. Thinking of my sister, memories of her running around the house behind me because I had snatched her phone away played in my mind.
"Carson, you are going to repent that." Jessie yelled from the other side of the couch while I waved her phone in front of her, making sure she would not reach it.
"Oh really and how is that?" Moving towards the kitchen I threw a pillow from the couch on her face to distract her. She groaned loudly and again came after me; by that time I had reached the front door and escaped through it to the garden.
"Carson, give it back." She yelled running behind me along the small bushes.
She stopped. "I am going to show the picture to Gina." A smirk proudly played on her lips and I frowned.
"What photo?" I had already stopped few feet away from her.
"That photo where you were peeing on the cactus pot and then the cactus thorn..." She never got to complete her sentence, because I had started chasing her.
"Noooooo, you can't do that." It was now my turn to run behind her and she entered in the house. By the time I went in, she was making mom shield her and laughed wildly.
"I will, who will stop me?"
"Mom," I whined which only caused her to laugh more loudly.
"Okay, here take your phone, but you can't show that to her."
"Fine." Mom and Jessie smiled while I frowned again and handed her the phone. She smirked proudly again and started going towards the door while her fingers worked on the keypad. Once she reached the door, she turned back with a devilish grin.
"I won't show the photo, but I will tell the taleeee." She sang and was out of the door and the chase started again.
A smile tugged at my lips at the memory. At the end of each memory one new memory started to appear. It was that day when Gina had this date with me; we were roaming in the park eating our respective ice-creams when Gina spoke up.
"So, I got to know a new secret."
"Really?" I stopped licking my ice-cream. "What's that?"
"You peed on the..." She started laughing and I groaned.
"I am going to kill Jessie."
"But I can just imagine how you would have felt when the thorn..." She laughed again while I was mentally scolding Jessie.
"See there is that cactus... over there." She pointed out somewhere and I, being the stupid, looked at the direction where her finger was pointing and asked, "Where?"
She laughed again and this time hard... "You want to do that again?" She ran away from me and I chased her. Finally when I caught up to her, I pinned her to the car in the parking lot. Her face was inches away from me; I had forgotten all the embarrassment she had caused.
Leaning in for a kiss, my head lowered to her level. Just when I was about to kiss, she pushed her ice-cream on my face and started laughing hysterically. That was it. I held her hand up above her head and kissed her through the ice-cream until she gasped for air.
With this memory came a soul-wrenching pain when I remembered what had happened to her. My whole body felt numb at the thought of that memory. Using all my energy, I tried to think something else. Then my mom's face popped up behind my eyes. How she was making delicious food for me, how she used to clean all the mess we used to create, how her love was undivided.
How Dad used to go to his routine office work and mom used to wait for him in evening. Dad was the strict type, but nevertheless he never stopped us from anything until it went against his rules. Now that I thought of him, it hurt a lot to realize how I had treated both of them. Each time they came to the prison with smiles and tears of anticipation, I had given nothing other than wrath. Once he was the backbone of the family, a strong man - now he looked crumpled and broken - all because of me.
Not only because I had treated them badly during the last six years, but also I could just imagine what they would have gone through during the six years. How people would have looked upon them. Now I understood why those ladies were arguing with my mom. Every loose end connected and I could understand why Jessie hated me so much. She was friend with Gina's sister, so obviously she would have lost all her friends after the incident.
How she would have coped up with all those things? After all she was only fourteen when all these happened. Having crossed that teenage line, I knew how difficult it would have been on her part. Now that I remembered, I knew I had planned to go to New York for college and Jessie had already started making her plans to go to college even if it was four years away, but she was still at home. Didn't she have a boyfriend or something? Why was she still staying at our parents' house? Didn't see attend the college?
So many questions! Other than these simple questions, there were bigger hurdles waiting for me. I was yet not sure, whether visiting was a good decision in the first place. I would now remember every place, every incident and every person when I get there, but how would they react seeing me? Especially after knowing that I remembered everything, they might just hate me more?
Finally the plane landed at its destination - a destination which could turn out to be a nightmare or if God decided to help me, things might just fall in place. Carrying the small bag my feet made outside the exit gate. So many taxis were there and I hopped into one avoiding any eye contact, in the fear that somebody might recognize me and something might happen before I reached my destination.
As the taxi started moving, I could remember all roads, all corners, my favorite place to hang out, and my school. Everything seemed like they have come down from my memory lane and landed here. I crossed the basketball field where I used to play a lot, then Gina's favorite coffee shop, the windmills where I and Jessie would go roaming; everything seemed like a dream, suddenly whereas I knew it was the reality, finally.
Houses crossed my path when the taxi finally entered into the residential areas. I could remember my friend Nick's house, then there was that big oak tree and then came my house. But the taxi didn't stop there. I wanted so much to go inside my house and talk to my sister and parents and tell them that I remembered everything. But I had different things in hand, which were more important.
Finally the taxi stopped in front of my destination. Instantly a shiver ran down my spine in utter fear and my head automatically bowed down in guilt. Tears threatened to spill out from my eyes. After paying the taxi driver, it took me ages to take the first step towards the house. My mind was made and re-made several times. It took all my energy to finally face the reality, because I knew with the memory back into my brain, every second would equal to thousand deaths if I did not take this step. I had to do it.
Pain, If I Could Forget Again - Chapter 14Back to Pavilion.
By Lucy Lucy