It rained the next two days. It was as if mother nature had sympathy for me and this was her way of patting me on the back and telling me it will be okay. The night of my exposure I came home to Jason and Anna, explaining what had happened over a cup of coffee. Anna held me tight as Jason left the room to make lots of calls. I let my tears fall silently as Anna smoothed my hair and hummed tunes of lullaby's. I knew how hard this must've been for her. Mothering a child that wasn't her own, wishing she had a baby and to see their first steps, to celebrate their birthdays, to kiss their scraped knees, and to heal their broken hearts.
When Jason returned to the room and asked me about plane tickets, I requested for two more days here. Two days to say goodbye. Two days to possibly explain. Two days to be forgiven. Of course I didn't tell them that part but that's what my heart was screaming. Anna walked me upstairs and tucked me into the bed, kissing my forehead, before leaving me in the cold darkness.
The night that I had that awful experience, I thought my heart was broken and that I would never feel the pain like that again or at least not that deep. While that night the bruises formed on my arms and my emotions were scarred, it wasn't until tonight that I realized what true heartbreak was. Colin and I were never officially together in a social term, but in my heart he showed me what true caring was.
I held the sheets tighter and watched the drops of rain dance down the glass of the window, sparkling in the moon's light.
I wasn't oblivious. I knew the truth would end up spilling out at some point. It was the "When" part that scared me and of course it proved its character as soon as it happened. The timing was perfect for those photographers but catastrophic for me. This fantasy world came crumbling down as fast as it was built up. The worst part was I was the one to build it and watch its downfall. For I wasn't the only one injured in this accident.
I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest, knowing sleep wouldn't come easily. I knew Colin liked me but to what extent? I was slowly coming to realization that my heart felt more than kisses and sweet words. It felt something deeper, deeper than whatever I had for Nigel.
Closing my eyes I felt like a fool. Those memories over the last few months flipped through my mind like a scratched picture show. The debate we had in government class, the first day we met. When I sang in front of the choir and he told me I was amazing. The first time I let him touch me when we went skating. The coffee, runs and walks in the park. Reading Shakespeare and Walt Whitman between the isles of the hardware store. Meeting his mother and sister. The first time we kissed in his secret spot. Although all of these seemed too good to ruin my mood now, the fight replays back in my head.
If only he knew.
If only he knew how much he meant to me.
If only he knew how his approval meant more to me than anything in the world.
If only he knew how much I loved him.
Love was scary.
Love was unknown.
Did I love Colin?
I used to tell Nigel I loved him. But, if what I feel for Colin is much deeper, does that mean I truly love Colin?
I wanted to turn it off.
I wanted to turn of my brain and tell it to shut up, for I didn't know what it would say to me next and I didn't want to hear the truth.
The truth was scary.
The truth was too well-known.
I forced myself to sleep that night, unsure of what the two days would give me.
All I knew for now, was I was okay with the rain.
The rain was my only true companion.
CSGGG: No problem!
Bananagirl: Sorry I was on vacation and didn't have any of my stuff with me. Hope you like the chapter.
Clara: I hope you can see a little bit into what Alice was thinking in this chapter.
Spohie: Like I told Clara, I hope you see what's going on in Alice's head some more.
Anne: You will just have to wait and see what happens.