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The Ramblings of a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl: Love (1)

Sometimes you just have to let it all out. Take a breather, and breathe.
Volume One: Love

The teenage years. The "wild" days of everybody’s life. The moment of anticipation where one girl becomes a woman in a matter of twelve months.

The time where we fall in love.

"WE," meaning most girls anyway. You see, somewhere out there is a 70 kg girl with average height, who tries to think differently. "Love?" She asks, "What’s that?"

Maybe it has to do with her belief that "love" doesn’t exist. Maybe it has to do with the fact that she had fallen far low for many guys despite her young age.

Maybe it has to do with the very little self-esteem she was born with, that causes her to try to forget.

But forget about what?

Who knows.

Let’s call me, "Tracy."

I’m seventeen years old, happily turning eighteen in approximately two months. There’s actually nothing to be happy about when you turn eighteen, except for the huge pressure you get from society once you become an ‘adult’ - decide on a career, go to college, get a job… settle down. Huh, big word.

But today let me start about love... How many guys has it been, you wonder? You’d think by now I had at least two, maybe three boyfriends in my lifetime. I mean, come on. Right?

But nope. Let me tell you in a straight note. Not even one.

It’s not that I wasn’t asked. They were getting there.

The problem was that I never gave them the chance.

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Two years ago, I met a guy named Aaron when I was a freshman. We were in the same business class, and hopeless as I was, I leaned into my seatmate for help. It was him.

I never once saw him in that way, but only as a friend. He was a good guy, but I couldn’t see "us" that way at all - being in a relationship. But I knew. Somehow I knew, that he was starting to look at me that way. So the next year, whenever he comes near me, I would call him "bro," or "family" or any other names that gives a subtle warning - "I’m not interested."

The guy didn’t take the hint, however. On Valentine’s Day he gave me a rose. I panicked, so immediately I handed it to my best friend, who had the stupid idea to show it around her class - the same class he was in.

Afterwards, he never dare talk to me. I didn’t blame him.

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The same year, three months later - the same thing happened.

This guy’s name was Jeff.

Jeff was somebody I didn’t know before, someone I never thought existed, one who goes into the same Alma mater. He was a friend of a friend, and he recently introduced himself to me. We became good friends, and before long some of my other friend have told me that he has had a crush on me for quite a while now. I was quite baffled. I just met the guy, and I didn’t know much about him.

And we’ve just become friends.

I wasn’t ready for this.

So a stupid thought came to me like a thunderbolt.

"Why not make a fake Facebook profile, put a cute picture of a guy, and pretend that he was your boyfriend?" My stupid head said to me.

Well, my stupid self was desperate, and I went through with it.

Little by little, he started staying away from me. I was quite saddened by it, actually. He was a good friend.

The thing was, I hated myself for doing such cruel things to shut down a guy, before he could get a chance to ask me out. But I was afraid, so very afraid.

I was a coward.

I didn’t have any intention of dating them, but I didn’t have the balls to tell them straight up.

Funny, how each of them got a girlfriend afterwards. Compensation from the Heavens, I guess.

They’re still together even until now.

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Now, I think karma just got me. This guy’s name is Rey (different name, of course.) I’m in my senior year by this point, and he was in my Gym class. He was interesting.

At first he looked quite plain, and his habit of wearing short khakis just made him look shorter. Nothing about him struck at all, and then I started getting to know him.

In Gym class, I would start noticing the way he runs - how he could have run past everybody, but instead he would stay in the end and wait for his friend. The way his eyes lightened and his dimple deepened when someone told him something funny, and his obsession of weird facts.

After getting my number one day, the first thing he texted was, "Did you know that the platypus is the most vicious mammal on earth?"

Whoever asked that?

I didn’t know how long I laughed after reading his text message. He was the only guy who, instead of saying ‘Hi,’ or ‘Hello,’ he went straight with his fact.

I think it was the very first time I’ve smiled like that for a text.

Before I continue with my story, let me tell you something.

I was very insecure of my weight. I wasn’t obese, but I do have quite a belly to boot. I’m 5’6, and my weight isn’t something I’m proud of. Because of my insecurity, I always tell myself that I’m not good enough for anyone that I have to look better first, that they deserve someone better.

This may just be the first time I’ll ever regret that decision.

I liked the guy, I really did.

I remembered him coming near my side, we’d say "hello." When I looked down, he’s asked me if I were alright. He would always make me laugh, and although we both had a separate group of friends, the text messages were what kept us together. And then my reality came in.

"Stop." "You’re not good enough." "He deserves better." "Why not try to look prettier first?"

Afterwards I didn’t text him anymore. It had been eleven days now. My eyes would search for him, but my body stays away. It’s sad you know, how things work. Just when you think you were happy, you start screwing things up.

He was really a great guy, and he does deserve better. Better than some sad excuse of a girl like myself.

Today, I texted him. He didn’t reply.

We never saw each other again. The end.

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You know, I’ve realized something. No, it’s not that I’m dirt - I already know that. I realized that you should take the opportunity when it presents itself to you. Things and people, will never be there forever. Take the chance, and don’t let insecurity get in your way.

Who knows if I’ll ever meet him again someday? He could have been an amazing boyfriend, an amazing husband. Who knows, if I’ll ever meet another guy and then go through my pathetic act once again. This time, things will be different.

I’ll work hard.

I’ll work out. I’ll eat healthy. I’ll look good.

And I’ll be kind.

Who knows, things just might be different this time.

Right?
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Published: 5/30/2013
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