Well, That Happened (2): Killer Clown

Continuation of the silly story.
Nathan: Get up! The house is on fire!

(Startled, Tom rolls out of bed and hits the floor.)

Tom: (panicking) What? Where? How?!

(Nathan is chucking heartily, as Tom picks himself up.)

Nathan: I'm just playing. False alarm, bro.

Tom: (groans) What the hell is wrong with you?

Nathan: I needed to wake you up somehow. We're gonna be late for school.

Tom: And you couldn't think of a better way?

Nathan: Well, it was either that, or I play the ukulele and sing 'God Save the Queen'.

(He winks slyly. Tom sighs in frustration.)

Tom: God, what did I do to deserve this?

Nathan: Thought you were an atheist, bro.


Mr. Foster: There's no such thing as a stupid question. So, feel free to ask me anything that confuses you.

(The class stares back at the teacher, silent and indifferent. Only Nathan raises his hand.)

Mr. Foster: Yes, Conway? What's your question?

Nathan: How long does it take for a mouse to turn into a rat?

(Tom facepalms himself.)


(Simone is Amanda's nerdy best friend. Her ginger hair is tied up in pigtails and her glasses magnify her bright-blue eyes. She is often called 'rabbit' by her peers for twitching her freckled nose a lot. She is seated at a table with Amanda, Tom and Nathan.)

Simone: Did you guys actually break into someone's house?

Tom: It was abandoned.

Amanda: It was so scary! There were flies and spiders everywhere. Then we heard a noise upstairs. To me, it sounded like footsteps...

Simone: (gasps) Oh my god! Was there someone else in the house with you?

Tom: That's what I was afraid of. So, I went and investigated but I found nothing.

Simone: Are you sure? Something must've made that noise...

Tom: I'm guessing it was a rat. Or, seeing as the house is old, it's probably making noises on its own.

Amanda: I'm glad nothing happened. The whole time, I couldn't shake the feeling that we were being watched... I never want to go back there again!

Nathan: What a scaredy-cat.

Tom: (glaring) You're one to talk, buddy. You were the first to run outta there when you thought a clown was coming after you.

Nathan: In my defense, it was a killer clown!

Tom: No, it was a clown plush doll. You wet yourself over a stuffed toy, mate.

Amanda: And you yelled, "Take them, not me!" as you ran and left us behind... That's so not cool. I almost had a panic attack.

Simone: Is this true, Nathan?

(The three look at Nathan with judgemental eyes. He stands up and backs away.)

Nathan: Erm... I have to poop now.


(In the school canteen, Gary Thornton is sitting in his own corner. He is visibly upset, as his eyes are bloodshot, his cheeks are stained with tears and his black hair is unusually messy. Some students see him, but they choose to walk past him. Tom and Nathan are the first to approach him.)

Tom: Hey, what's wrong?

Nathan: It's the opposite of right, but it isn't left.

Tom: I wasn't asking you, dimwit.

Gary: It's n-nothing...

(He wipes away several tear drops with his tissue.)

Nathan: C'mon, man! We may be dumb, but we're not stupid.

Tom: We? (Raises his eyebrow) Speak for yourself.

(Gary takes off his glasses and wipes the lens with his sleeve.)

Gary: Why did you come here? Why didn't you ignore me like everyone else?

Tom: Because we're not like everyone else.

Gary: (warning tone) If he sees you with me, he'll make your life a misery too... You might as well go, for your own sake.

Tom: Who's 'he'?

(Gary looks down, fidgeting nervously.)

Tom: Please tell us.

Gary: (whispers) Mark...

Tom: Mark Robinson?

(Gary nods slowly.)

Tom: We should tell the teachers about him.

Gary: I've tried, but it's hopeless. It's made the bullying worse.

Nathan: Let's humiliate him then.

Gary: How?

Nathan: (smirks) Leave it to me. I have the most perfect idea.

(Tom shakes his head.)

Tom: I can smell a disaster waiting to happen.


Nathan: You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Mark: (growls) What the fuck did you just say?

Nathan: (smirks cheekily) You heard me.

(The nearby students are laughing hysterically. Mark balls up his fists, feeling defensive.)

Mark: Do I look like a flipping girl to you, dumbass?

Nathan: Well, yeah. You're the spitting image of Susan Boyle. Nice boobs, by the way.

(He daringly pokes Mark's chest. The students chorus 'OHHHH'.)

Mark: Do you want to die?

Nathan: I think I'm already dead.

Mark: What?

Nathan: Because this is heaven, you and me.

(The students laugh harder, while Mark blushes furiously.)

Mark: That's it. I'm gonna kick your ass!

Nathan: Catch me, princess!

(Mark pounces and tries to grab for him. Nathan shrieks and runs away, laughing maniacally, as the bully chases after him. Tom and Stacey are watching from afar.)

Tom: Man, what an idiot. I told him not to do it.

Simone: I don't understand him... He's scared of a clown doll, but he'll gladly piss off a 6'4 kickboxing pro.

Tom: (shrugs) I don't get it either.

Simone: C'mon, you're the one who knows him best. You must know something about why he is the way he is.

Tom: I have a theory. You know how some babies were dropped on their heads?

Simone: Yeah...

Tom: He was probably thrown against a wall.
Published: 11/13/2018
Bouquets and Brickbats