Well, That Happened (6): That's Gay, Bro

A silly story. A lot happened at that club.
(Outside in the school playground, Roger is sitting on the bench with Tom. He groans, massaging his temples with his sweaty fingers.)

Roger: Man, my head is killing me.

Tom: I warned you to stop drinking, but you wouldn't listen.

(Roger sticks his finger in his ear, wriggling it around inside.)

Roger: My ears are still ringing from that god-awful pop music. How was I supposed to flirt when those girls could barely hear me? I'm surprised I haven't lost my voice from all the yelling I did!

(Tom shakes his head.)

Tom: The music wasn't the problem, mate. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but... you can't flirt for shit. Even a dead slug has more charm than you.

Roger: (frowns) Are you trying to hurt me?

Tom: No. I'm just a little peeved that I had to babysit you the whole night.

Roger: (sadly) So... you're mad at me.

Tom: I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad... at the situation... that you caused.

(Roger hunches up his shoulders, a wave of depression hitting him. Tom sees how upset he is and he squeezes the boy's shoulder reassuringly.)

Tom: (softly) Hey, don't worry about it, pal... If anything, the worst part of the night is Nathan making that new friend. Do you remember, the skinny bald dude?

Roger: Vaguely... what was his name again?

Tom: I dunno. I just call him Creep.


(In Johnny's Chippies, Leon and Nathan are sitting at a table, waiting for their fast food orders. Another guy is seated at their table - he's bald, paper-white, eyebrowless and has a septum ring.)

Creep: I find three of my cousins hot.

Leon: What the-! (to Nathan) Are you hearing this?!

Nathan: (shrugs) I feel bad for the other cousins who didn't make it on the list.

(Leon facepalms himself.)

Creep: One time, I stole my cousin's sock.

Nathan: Hey, I did that too! I stole Tom's lucky sock. To this day, he has no idea I still have it.

Creep: Did you suck it?

Nathan: Suck the sock?

Creep: Did you?

Nathan: No...

Creep: That sucks.

(Nathan stares at him for a moment. Then he cracks up laughing, slapping the table loudly, catching everyone's attention with his hysterical laughter.)

Nathan: Oh, man! I see what you did there. That's a good one! (to Leon) Isn't this guy hilarious?

Leon: (grumbles) I'm surrounded by idiots.


Roger: Going to that club was a huge mistake.

Tom: Nah, mate. Drinking was the problem. You're five times more depressing when you're wasted. You couldn't stop crying the entire night! That would kill anyone's vibe.

Roger: (frustrated) I was crying because no girl wanted me!

Tom: Hmm, I've never seen a guy struck out with so many girls before. That had to be a track record or something.

(Roger covers his face with his hands.)

Roger: (muffled) Why do girls hate me?

Tom: Eh, I don't think they do. You're just very... awkward around them. Heck, you spilled your drink down the first girl's cleavage!

Roger: I was nervous!

Tom: You lectured another girl about the importance of recycling. Who does that?

Roger: I thought girls liked smart guys, so I-

Tom: There's a difference between being smart, and being plain boring. If you were truly smart, you would've known better.

(Roger sulks in defeat.)

Tom: Let's not forget, you had so many Chinese pick-up lines for that Asian chick. Turns out, she was Japanese!

Roger: What else was I supposed to do?

Tom: Anything that didn't get your face drenched in her drink.

Roger: Don't remind me. I swear, some of that stuff went in my eyes!

Tom: (chuckles) That was pretty funny. You were screaming your head off. I had to record it, see.

(Tom gets his phone out and plays the video recording. In the screen, Roger is seen running around the club, hysterically yelling 'I'M BLIND' over and over, while his hands cover his eyes. Shortly after, he trips and faceplants onto the dance floor.)

Tom: Your scream will be my new ringtone.

Roger: (groans) Thanks for that, mate.


(At Johnny's Chippies, the boys are eating their junk food. Creep is the only one who isn't touching his food.)

Leon: Why aren't you eatin'?

Creep: I already ate before.

Leon: Oh, what'd you eat?

Creep: Someone's ass.

(Leon chokes on his drink. Nathan is continuing to eat normally.)

Leon: Dude! We're eatin' right now. Keep that nasty shit to yourself.

Nathan: In his defense, he was simply answering the question you asked.

Leon: (sighs) Man, I miss Tom and the others. They must be havin' a way better time.


Roger: But, hey, on the bright side, I did score a kiss with that one chick.

Tom: Uhh... about that...

(Tom is scratching the back of his head nervously.)

Roger: What about it?

Tom: Mate, you were so hammered that you... uh... that... wasn't a girl...

Roger: What?

(Roger holds onto his stomach, feeling sick.)

Roger: Oh crap. Oh, bloody hell! Don't tell me...

Tom: Yes. That was a dude you kissed. He was about to whisk you away from the club. He called an Uber and everything. I had to step in and rescue you.

(Roger gets up, screams in fury and kicks the brick wall in anger. Then he hops around in pain.)

Roger: (yelling) Oww! Fucking fuckety fuck! I thought he was a girl! He had long hair! Why did he have long hair!? Guys shouldn't be allowed to have long hair!

Tom: Shhh, calm down. It's okay. No need to make a scene.

Roger: No, it's not okay! Girls hate me and I kissed a fucking dude! Now everyone's gonna find out and my life will be over!

(Roger punches the brick wall, only to howl in pain and cry.)

Tom: Don't be so melodramatic, mate. No one's gonna find out. Your secret is safe with me.

Roger: But... what about the other guys? Nathan, Leon...!

Tom: They were too busy partying to have noticed you. Trust me, I'm the only one that knows and I'm really good at keeping secrets. Heck, I've kept people's secrets all the way back from primary school.

(Roger wipes away his tears of stress.)

Roger: Thanks, man... (sniffs) I think I broke my wrist.

(Jonathan Huggins comes up to them. He has dirty-blonde hair and his school shirt is unbuttoned, exposing his hairless chest. He has a habit of showing off his chest, which gets him into trouble with the teachers.)

Jonathan: Did you really kiss a guy at a gay club? Like, for real?

Tom: For god sake, Jonathan, were you spying on us?

Roger: (defensively) It wasn't a gay club! We were at the Luna club in town. There were so many girls there and I was plastered and... a-and...

(Jonathan snorts with laughter)

Jonathan: Ahhh, classic! You totally kissed a bloke! That's, like, super gay (nudges Tom) Ain't that right, Tommy?

Tom: (snaps) Don't touch me and don't call me Tommy.

Jonathan: Alright, jeez, calm your sweet pecks! (to Roger) So, uh, what was the kiss like? Did you enjoy it?

Roger: (aggressively) Why the fuck do you care?

Jonathan: Whoa, calm down! Bro! Chill.

Roger: I'm not your bro.

Jonathan: Look, I just wanna know if you enjoyed it or nah... because if you did, then you're totally gay... and that's just... (mumbles) not cool, bro.

Roger: Piss off, asshole! I'm already going through enough bullshit. I don't wanna deal with your shit too. Just leave me the hell alone.

Jonathan: You need to watch that tongue! It's so feisty (smirks) Did you kiss him with that tongue of yours?

Tom: (firmly) Okay, Jonathan, this is getting out of hand. You need to leave before you get your ass kicked.

Roger: You're lucky that my good wrist is broken, or else I'd have broken your no-

(He pauses, seeing Blake Mannford walk past with his group of giggling girls. The girls are wrapping their arms around him, glued to his side. Jonathan is staring at Blake too.)

Roger: (grumpily) Ughhh! I hate that guy so much! He's always rubbing those girls in our faces!

Jonathan: I know right, he's so annoying with his... (dreamily) perfectly chiseled jaw, those crystal-blue eyes that stop your heart when you look into them, and that deep, smooth voice of his, which sends shivers down your spine whenever he talks....

(Tom gives Jonathan a weird look.)

Tom: Uhhh...

Roger: (furious) Exactly! He's so flipping perfect! It's unrealistic and it's unfair to us Average Joes! Girls won't bother looking at us twice with him strutting around like he's the goddamn King of School. To add salt to the wound, he treats them like dirt! He's an asshole yet they love him for it!

Jonathan: I hear you, bro. Ever seen him topless? (wolf-whistles) My goodness, that would make your world stop. He's got a hot surfer bod covered in those aesthetically-pleasing tattoos... and nipple piercings! Mmmh... those nipple piercings... if I were a girl, I'd be all over him.

Tom: (sharply) You okay, man? Do you need some water for that thirst?

(Jonathan's cheeks turn pink, clearly flustered.)

Jonathan: (clears throat) Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Obviously, I'm just saying, from a girl's point of view- well, you know what I mean. I wouldn't do anything now because, obviously, uhh- (to Roger) You kissed a bloke. That's gay, bro.

Roger: Don't remind me! God, I feel like I'm gonna throw-

(He doubles over, moaning as his stomach stirs. Then he vomits all over Jonathan's shoes.)

Tom: (snickers) Too late.


(On their way, heading back to school.)

Nathan: Aww, I miss my buddy already.

Leon: He was a Creep. If I knew you invited him over, I wouldn't have ditched school with you.

(Leon notices fifteen schoolgirls standing outside the Leisure Center, lining up to get in. They're wearing their sports uniform, consisting of the color combination of purple, black and white.)

Leon: Damn, I see a lot of cuties here!

Nathan: (coyly) Oh, stop. You'll make me blush.

Leon: (rolls eyes) Look over there, moron! Remember Miss Gubbins said there'll be a Netball tournament today between Beeches and Kent? Those girls must be from Kent!

Nathan: (nudges him) Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Leon: Hell, yeah! Let's go flirt-

Nathan: Let's see which girls are on their periods.

Leon: (startled) What?!

Nathan: (winks) Here's a simple trick.

Leon: (sternly) Whatever you're about to do, don't do it.

(Nathan points at the girls in the most obvious manner, drawing people's attention onto them.)

Nathan: (loudly) Hey, look at that girl! She's got blood on her butt!

(Several girls turn their heads and look at their butts self-consciously. Nathan claps his hands and shrieks with laughter.)

Nathan: See that? Five girls are on their periods!

Leon: You are disgusting beyond words.

Nathan: C'mon, that was bloody funny!

Leon: (shakes head) I don't know who's worse - you or Creep.
Published: 12/19/2018
Bouquets and Brickbats