Wondering Thoughts

Welcome to my Overthinking process.... Writing Helps Calm my Mind.
I care too much about what others think, what they think of me. I let those thoughts control my mind and actions. I always wonder what others thought of me and scare that they would think lowly of me. I always scare, I would embarrass myself or other people would think that I'm stupid and uneducated.

It's so tiring, there's so much feeling, feelings I wish they would just banish. My head feels like it is going to explode. It would explode any second from overthinking. This is not like me, or I have never been like this before. Maybe it is because I'm so embarrassed of myself, or embarrassed of my decision that I care so much of what others think of me.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. Take my feeling away, make them disappear, please. Why can't I stop wondering what others thought. Why I can't stop worrying they would be laughing behind my back about how stupid I am.

Maybe they can tell that I'm embarrassed and ashamed, that they made fun of me when I'm not there. My mind is spinning and spinning and I can't make it stop. Someone make it stop.

I came up with different scenario where they would make fun of me. Or my secret is already exploded and they already know, each time they questioned me, and each time I didn't answer them. They would just be laughing behind my back, laughing about how stupid I am trying to hide my secret, or how ashamed I am displaying.

They would just pretend to be ok with me, not answer, but in secret they already know and they're just playing along. They just want to see my shameful state.

They say I'm nice but am I really? They don't know me, they just work with me. They don't want to get to know about me, they just want me to do all the work, so they would have a nice and easy day at work. They only like me because I work hard and I make their day easy.

I do really like him, he is sweet, kind, and wonderful but I just can't seem to be talking about him to anyone. Why? Am I that ashamed of him. Or am I just scared others would think lowly of me.

If I can have super-power, I would choose the power to read other's mind. I want to read mind, not to discover their secret or whatever. I want to read mind in order to be able to know what others think of me. I'm not confident and I can only gain confident from received approval from others. Get me the approval that I need, and nothing else, I would die for that approval.

Make it go away, make everything go away. I want to breakup with him because of these thoughts. I want to end this relationship because of silly thought that's flowing in my head. How stupid is that? I don't have proofs that others know my secret, but I took the thoughts in my head as all the proofs that I needed to end this relationship I have.

How stupid but yet at the same time... It somehow makes sense to me...
Published: 2/17/2019
Bouquets and Brickbats