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You're Tugging at My Heart, Please Stop (1)

A little bit more. It all started with a text.
If you could ever take something back would you? I know I would. I’ve had been a terrible person. I’ve lied, cheated, manipulated, and ignored so many people the last few months and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know which relationships I should end and who I should really talk to. I have zero idea what’s good for me anymore… it’s just all tangled up.

It all started after Vivienne was born. She was born on November 14, and just the most precious little girl I’ve ever seen. Now thinking about it I should have cried but I didn’t. Vivienne is my little baby girl that I placed for adoption, I love her and I still do. She’s in a happy home now and I see her just about every month a few times a week and I get very cute pictures of her. She’s just too adorable for words, I just can’t capture how much this tiny little person who hasn’t even understood, how much she changed my life. I don’t regret placing her and I love the family so much. I got to know them and understand who they were, but they have nothing really to do with my choice, well at least that what I figured out afterwards. Since Vivienne I wanted to live my life for myself and not care what anyone else thinks and that blew up in my face.

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A chill breeze shivered its way down my spine and it made sense that I was cold. I was dressed in tiny jean shorts and a nice fit black tank top and wore a little bit too much makeup that I was just going to sweat off in a few minutes.

"It's so cold," I muttered as I stared down at my hot chocolate. Tonight was supposed to be a fun girl's night out, since lately I guess I've been so distant with everyone. I'm pretty sure everyone else is just reading things in way too much.

"Come on, we're almost there." Katy said while tugging me into the loud bass venue called Soma. Tonight one of our favorite bands 'Impending Doom' was playing but, I just couldn't get into the mood.

Tonight I was going to see so many faces that I haven't seen in months because of my pregnancy.

I glanced over at Katy and envied her. She didn't have to cover up her stomach because she doesn't have any stretch marks still very visible. She had a nice tiny waist with a very flat stomach with a cute hello kitty belly ring, she wore a flower cut top and shorts and she just looked amazing and everything I used to be, her long brown hair was perfectly curled and her blue eyes just seemed to pop out. I'm so ugly right now, I thought and tossed my empty cup harshly into a trash can.

The music screamed into my ear and my heart suddenly felt like it was about to beat right out of my chest. People around me were jumping around and banging their heads to the music. Katy was speaking but I just couldn't make out anything she said. It was so dark and the light that only seemed to find its way was coming from the stage. The man was speaking of anger and regret and suddenly I just had to leave. I raced out shoving people out of my way and I pop out into the smoking area.

"Liliana, is that you."

That voice was so familiar, I should have just kept walking, but all the bottled up feelings I had rushed into my heart and I turned around with a huge plastered smile onto my face.

"Oh my, Carter is that you." I said happily and I was in his arms and I saw his happy goofy face that I've missed for months.

"How are you, it's been awhile, you ignored me for a really long time, I thought the last time I saw you was in a dream or something." It nearly crushed me. The last time I saw Carter, he told me that he loved me and always had and we had an amazing night and then I found out I was pregnant and I just dropped him. I was too ashamed.

"I'm so sorry, things just came up that's all." I said nervously. Does he know? Carter had short brown hair, and such a light gentle color of brown, a very luring smile and just a little bit on the chunky side, but I don't care, I had the hugest crush on him for nearly a year.

"It's okay, you're here now." He said smiling and my heart nearly melt.
Just as I was opening my mouth Katy showed up and our reunion was cut short. Carter left with his friends as I was dragged by Katy back into the loud music and dancing fools.

The shower steam followed me into my bedroom while I changed into my pajamas. I heard my phone vibrate on my desk.

Hey dream girl you ran away too quick for me to tell you that I miss you and we need to hang out soon ~ Carter

I blushed and began to reply.
"Hey babe who is that." Daniel said as he kissed my neck. I hit send very quickly and placed it back on the desk.

"Just Katy texting good night." I said and kissed him on the lips.
I pushed him on the bed away from my phone and laid next to him and watched TV. Sleep came too quickly.

I miss you too and hopefully soon. ~ Liliana.
By
Published: 7/20/2012
Bouquets and Brickbats