Zombie In A Vampire's Cape

Short horror story.
Dead Fred stumbled down the poorly lit street. He stopped in front of a store window and slicked back his greasy hair with an old, dirty comb. He then practiced his vampire hiss in front of his reflection. "I am Count Fredric! And I vaunt to drink from your BRAINSS!!! No... VEINS! VEINS! YOU IDIOT!" Fred shouted, hitting his fist against his forehead. Fred then looked down at the Halloween cape he was wearing. He had got it from some trick or treater he had once devoured. He groaned in disgust at a spot of blood he found on it. "This will not due," he thought while trying to wipe it off. "What vampire spills blood on his cape?"

Fred wanted nothing more than to be a vampire and not a zombie. Zombies were clumsy, stupid, and messy. People run from zombies. But not vampires, no. vampires are suave, charismatic and they dressed sophisticated. All of Fred's friends said, "Forget it. You can't be a vampire, you're already a zombie." But Fred wouldn't listen. His mind was made up. He was, "Count Fredric! Creature of the night!" Fred's attention was interrupted by a woman stumbling out of a bar, intoxicated. He watched as she leaned against a lamp post and struggled to light a cigarette.

"Here's my chance!" He thought. He quickly wrestled some cheap vampire fangs from his shirt pocket. He then popped them in and made one final hiss at his reflection. He tried to walk gracefully over to the woman, but mostly staggered. "Good evening," he said in an awkward Romanian accent. She did not look at him. Instead she started sniffing the cool night air. "What's that smell?" She asked. "Do you like it?" He replied," It's Burberry London." "It smells like someone dumped perfume over a dead cat!" Fred sniffed his shoulder in a curious manner but simply shrugged it off. "Excuse me," he said. "Where are my manners? I am Count Fred, Of Romania."

The woman took a look in disbelief and snickered. Fred was confused by her reaction but was not dismayed. Normally one would look upon him and run away screaming. But something about the cape and fangs made him less frightening. "Maybe it was starting to work!" He thought. " Maybe she was fallen into the dark seduction of his vampire persona!" He became excited. " Control yourself, Fred," He thought. "Don't let your zombie urges screw this up like the last time." Fred collected himself and pursued farther," If you don't mind me saying, you have a very lovely neck." She did not answer. Her eyes grew heavy and her head slightly nodded as if she were dozing off.

Fred new it was time to strike. He closed his eyes and exposed his fangs. He leaned in for what was to be a perfect execution of the classic vampire bite. But, before his fangs could sink into her warm flesh, the woman passed out, siding down the lamp post before collapsing onto the sidewalk. Fred looked around confused before discovering her on the ground, snoring away with the lit cigarette, Still in hand. Feeling too distraught for eating, Fred shook his fist in frustration. It had occurred to him she had not been hypnotized by his vampire charm, only drunk. He stumped off down the street, ripping off his cape and throwing it to the ground.

"To hell with vampires!" He shouted, "Better to be just another zombie than a lousy vampire!" Fred decided to rejoin his friends. He had heard that they had some people surrounded inside the mall and it was only a matter of time before they would try to make a break for it. "It could be fun," he thought to himself as he staggered off into the night.

Published: 11/10/2010
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